Friday, 28 September 2018

Closure Report

Khel Khatam Hua!
At 12.30 in the noon sprawled in the common room overlooking foliage covered mountains in a picturesque hill station of Western India, I hereby declare, being in full control over my mental faculties, that I am filing an official closure report on all the 'ladfas' (romantic liaisons) I have been involved in past few years now that I have attained certain degree of peace with each one of them.

Therefore, may it be A, allegedly an 'eternally unsolvable' puzzle that I got embroiled in many years ago, or M or K or even J, who came in quick succession in past one year, I honestly and happily wish them the best for future!

It all started with the LBGT writing workshop that I was selected for last year, where, to my utter shock, I bumped into A after years of being completely incommunicado. Well one thing let to another and we were having Old Monk that night at a shady bar in the suburbs. I'll forever remember that night as one of the most drunken cathartic nights where I dipped the arrows of my well-chosen words into the poison I had accrued over the years and pointedly directed over the most vulnerable crevices of his existence. Kudos to him that he listened calmly, for the most part, and let me vent out the years of anguish I had wrapped up in some corner of my being.

Later that night I had drunken sex with a random off-grindr stoner and boned him to the core. 

The next few months of meeting him occasionally eased me, or rather liberated me, from the 'Qafas' (cage) of him I had constructed around me. Now that he is a new relationship with an affable young man, I can sincerely wish him the good luck!

So much for love, A!
 M came almost immediately after the ghosts of A were vanquished. The barrage of inability to love someone was closed for so long that when it finally opened, it engulfed the next fascinating person I met. Many months down the line, I am still happily friends with him. He was kinda my first proper rebound now that I think about it.

K was scurry & flurry affair that germinated in the hospital wards and corridors of the city I visited often.  Alas, with the patient passing away, a silent burial was accorded to our little dalliance.
Though it took J, an ex-lover of K, to help me let go of whatever shards of K I was holding onto. In that process, maybe I might have led J on, but hey, I have been collateral damage in the past many times, maybe it was his time to be one.

With J story wrapping up last weekend, here I am, away from the cacophony of my city, on a week-long leave, nestled in a quaint place on the slope of mountains, thinking about the proverbial blank slate I have been gifted with.

A new job, a new city, may be a new country. Things that I have been paddling for under the water for a considerable time now, probably it's time for them to be realized!

 In words of Zafar Gorakhpuri,

सिलसिले के बाद कोई सिलसिला रौशन करें
इक दिया जब साथ छोड़े दूसरा रौशन करें

(After a course of events, begin another afresh. When one lamp gets extinguished, light another one :)

Wednesday, 11 April 2018


To the cute Tamil boy,

It was brief. A few meetings or so. Words were exchanged. Glances stolen. Eyes rolled. Hungry passion. Parched lips. Unquenched thirst. Tired bodies. Blissful smiles. Prayers together.

She passed away who brought me to you.

And now you have moved on swiftly, silently.

Maybe someday you'll write back on the offer I presented. And prove that words weren't empty air.

न मुझे ही उस का पता कोई,
न उसे ख़बर मेरे हाल की,

वो क़यामतें जो गुज़र गईं,
थीं अमानतें कई साल की

है 'मुनीर' तेरी निगाह में
कोई बात गहरे मलाल की.

(Neither do I know where is he,
nor is he aware of the state I am in.

That tumultuous time that passed away,
T'was your gift I accrued over the years.

O Munir (the poet) in your eyes,
Is seen a story of deep regret.


Monday, 28 March 2016

Throwback to the sabbatical!

A strange sort of fear has overtaken me.
At 3.19 am, there are less than 3 hours for me to get up and get ready for that flight that'll take me back to Bombay amidst the same gruelling work-home life and frequent travel.

Past few days at home, were a throwback to the times I stayed here for the sabbatical exactly a year back. Getting up late, regular chai-sutta breaks, constantly checking mirror for hairloss (not less than 200 times a day!), hours long cycling, constant fb stalking with a bit of reading and blogging in between.

I went back to the same temples that come in way while I used to cycle in the evening last year. Though I am a Sikh by birth, but i have grown up mostly in Hindu surroundings, with an acute interest in Urdu and Islamic culture and learnt about Buddhist culture during many courses of Vipassana. Brush with Christianity happened when I was learning classical music in my growing up years. Summarily, I acknowledge all faiths and believe in single idea of Almighty, no matter what the external manifestation. Also, I am very particularly against fundamentalism. Of whatever kind.

Anyway, not to digress anymore, I remember the prayers I said last time. I was filled with no hope, no life and a fear of nothingness. And I prayed for His hand. To take wherever He wishes.

A long distance has been traversed since then. And I stand again, with the same cycle parked at a distance, same breezy weather and the same Gods. Only this time I couldn't verbalise any prayer. And I have a fear about this inability.

I should be sleeping now. Have a presentation tomorrow. What will the Boss think ;)

Song for the night. A plain, meaningless melancholy that'll go away. A moment that's just to be.
 Norwegian Wood (Cover by Bobit)

Wednesday, 3 June 2015


He left this afternoon. After we went out in the scorching heat, to have a too-late-for-breakfast-yet-too-early-for- lunch snack on a Sunday afternoon, we shared a smoke sitting on the stairs of my building. The love bites were all over him,
 peeking out of the no-collar tight T-shirt, a trademark of guys who have been into gymming for long to show off their fruit of labour :)

I had met him on a social networking site meant for instant hook-ups in Kolkata long back, His drool-worthy picture displaying ripping muscles and a cute face. Aren't there cetain guys like that always that you know are too good for you and anyway they will not respond so what's the point of messaging them types? He was one of those kinds. Still I messaged him half hear
tedly and somehow we kept in touch since then. Cut to few months down the line, I am back in Bombay and he was here for some work, we met, went along for a walk along the beach where among other things I shared the history of Bombay with him which he liked immensely. Anyway, he came back to my place and we happily delved in Bengali music and he ended up suggesting me a list of must-watch bengali movies which I am watching these days
The night was scattered with moments of intense passion, kisses galore and raw fuck. All in all, in the morning, I felt happy and content, just the way one feels after a real good night of sex :)

And brought a psychological end-of-sorts to the current phase where I was, quite shamelessly, sleeping around.

I have realized that I have not written much about sex in this blog. I started this blog with the intention of being brutally honest with myself but it got some how side tracked as more emotional & mushy aspect was being expressed  more often and the other equally important part was kind of getting neglected partly to the relationship and breakup thing.

But now that I have been  single & gay for quite sometime, it's only imperative that I write about about my experiences when I indulge my carnal instincts in a whorish aka not-so-gentlemanly manner {Not being sexist, just a joke ;}

Here is a brief sum up some of my latest encounters of how I'll remember you guys!

#too hairy guy - You were the result of my work related frustration so much so that 
one hour before I was to leave for airport, I agreed to you coming to my hotel & dude! thank God I did. Some really awesome orals skills you got there. Plus the mirror antics of course ;)

#Artist guy - The evening was great with drinks and conversations about your celebrity friends. Honestly, I wasn't keen to go back to your place. Almost forced myself, And you, do anything, but please don't mutter about Judgement day & demons in your alcohol induced stupor. It's shit scary! I couldn't take it much longer and thankfully left when you had slept. Btw, you draw beautifully.

#1 am taxi ride guy - I met you just for a chai at midnight. Things turned out unexpectedly. . The way you did your interiors in that little space of your house was commendable, Anyway, sex was barely average. I took another walk of shame that night at 4 am.

#Dumb blonde guy - I was simply awake to catch a flight early morning. You arrive at 2 am smelling great & looking good. But alas! when you open your mouth, i can't differentiate between trash and you. Please for heaven sake, just because born and brought up in Bombay uppity doesn't necessarily warrant that you'd talk about fashion/parties/sex blah blah blah...Btw, in bed you were good ;)

#Rooftop sex guys - I was chatting up with one guy I kind of was beginning to like, but when I asked him for a short walk (he lived very close by!) but he wasn't up for it. [Details about this guy later] 
I was feeling turned down and momentarily looking for some let out when I accepted the offer of joining you guys knowing that you were indulging in something illegal simultaneously. Trust me, I don't think much about consequences usually before I do something, but this time I actually had a fleeting thought before I step out at 2 am. Well, it turned out to be an absolute treat. One of you was really great. In all departments. And that's why I met you again later. About the other one,
Bro! Be a tad bit interesting, offer something to talk about. or if nothing, at least be good at sex :/
Nonetheless, the night was wonderful altogether and the early morning walk of shame was happy kinds :)

#Married guy - In a strange city, I met you briefly in your fancy car only to find out you were older that I thought and married with kids, Now, I absolutely have no issues or judgments about how you deal with life. Your morality is completely your business. But I didn't find any sexual chemistry between us and though you came to my hotel, our encounter was more forced than natural and thankfully cut short by that phone call. One thing I couldn't clear
 that night, that I really didn't have any problem with you being married and my disinterest had nothing to do with it.

#Gaon wala guy - Dude, you were awesome. Seriously. The desi kind of gym going guy who doesn't identify himself as anything remotely close to being a gay, who doesn't know an iota of English. The messages we exchanged raunchy messages over last few months in desi hindi replete with cuss words (Btw I am known to be really good at Hindi :p)  were kind of erotic in a different way. It was only natural that the sex would be great & Boy, it so was! Chumma :* Will surely meet you next time when I am back in your city ;p

gay guy - The only thing I remember about you is how stunned you were that I came to meet you cycling 15 kms, all drenched in sweat whereas you were all decked up. The sex was pathetic to be honest. The only thing I am thankful about this encounter is that because of you, I saw the most interiors of the ghetto part of the town I had never ventured into. Also, adding a new word in my dictionary about all this 'gaygiri' - "Fitoor" :p 

#12 am Rum guy - So yeah, of all kinds of drinks I have ever had, rum with coke is my poison.  I have observed my drinking preferences change with time, began with beer briefly but medical school was characterized by whiskey (BP was all we could afford then!). Came Bombay, Rum with coke became the regular habit and a symbol of breaking away from the mundane world. Lately, in past months, I have begun to appreciate Red wine quite a bit :)
Not digressing anymore, got in touch with you over one-liner  mysterious exchanges. Ended up at your place at midnight within a few hours for 'a couple of drinks' ;)
A night well spent though. Drinks! Music! Stories! And esp. trading those medical sarcasms.
Though the late night antics and early morning bathroom drama made it more interesting, but I was more than happy to just the sleep the way we were!

#Too-fair junior guy - A surprise totally. In that small. sultry town packed away in loneliness, it was a surprise how we met. Elder to me in age, post wise you were way too junior to me but  thankfully in some other organization. You were splendid. In all ways. Though it has been quite sometime that left your town, but whenever I think of that place, the idea of you lying on that hotel bed, every evening, with the brown blanket strewn across your milky fair well built physique, is always an integral part of it.And btw, those lips are gorgeous. Totally kissable ;)

Aaah! That's it for today. Next installment later :p

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Fears of 4 am.

I am afraid.

At 3.50 am in the night I feel deserted. My episodic sanity crumbles in the face of lures...yet again.

Each time I am pushed deeper into a sac filled with darkness, a pit getting deeper..
and images dance in front of my eyes. Under the lampshade, in the chilly dull yellow, where a wisp of cold air pierces my naked chest.

I see you roughing up with bodies. Tall lean and hairy ones. And hard. Your thin frame against another.
Of the watch, that's the only remnant of covers on skin. Thin fingers mingling into others.

Of your eyes that stare like dark secrets, unknown.

And silence afterwards.

I saw just a bit, now I know. I want to see what others have witnessed. I want to be there when you make love to them. I want to see what you say when my mention comes, or do you even.
I want to preserve the look of your eyes then.

I want to be a part now. A distant attached part.

P.S. Kiss

I know those lips have been kissing other lips.

 And not in the clumsy way that we did, which was tender and passionate at the same time. 
Where the touch of the lips just stayed. 
The moments elapsed, savouring each moment of togetherness, of stillness, of wetness, of softness..of just nothingness travelling from the throat to the stomach right upto the eardrums and plugging them.
I kissed you again. After an year. Those other lips have spoilt you for me.

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Letter to Self - one year later!

This in one interesting thing I am going to begin today. The series of -Letter to self over different periods of time. The need for them arises from the utterly liquidated life that I am living these days. With no job, no love, rapidly shrinking savings, and getting fattier and baldier with each passing day, I can barely think of any future. I mean the farthest I can think of is probably Sunday so that I can read the weekly horoscope in the paper. Yeah, that's the height of my uselessness. Having no intention of joining a new job (okay, I have applied for many half-halfheartedly but none of those fuckers called me for an interview!). So basically, as I would say in vernacular language -"Maa chudi hui hai" :p (For me, emotions are rarely conveyed in sophisticated terms.Having lived in hostels for so many years, every heartfelt emotion HAS to be expressed in a "gaali").

Therefore, sitting at home, doing nothing (Not exactly actually. I PRETEND to go to violin classes. who the fuck am I kidding!). Eating all day and basically sleeping for 14 hours a day. After watching for 2 months their 'decorated' son wasting his life, finally my parents, who have otherwise been my strongest support system, have also started inserting questions related to job hunt casually in between inane conversations. And all I can probably envisage in a 6000 kms bike ride across the coast of India over 20 days to just live the life! Honestly I have no clue what the heck is going to happen.

So to bring some clarity in my thought process, I have thought to begin this series. Imagining even for one year ahead is kind of unimaginable, but still I'll try.

Dear boy,

Hope you are alive. And healthy. And all your body parts are functioning well without any serious (or minor!) damage.

I also hope this letter finds you in a stable juncture of life. Remember how exactly one year earlier you were riddled were such obscurity that peering through the darkness and looking beyond didn't come naturally to you. But the Almighty has mysterious ways and I am positive that you are much better placed than last year.
Hopefully you got the job soon. One that you really liked. In a big city. One year back, your were banging your head about what kind of job do you even want to join because you yourself didn't know. With your med school friends almost completing their degrees, I hope that you don't regret the idea of not continuing in medicine. Also I hope that the salary is decent enough for you to sustain your whimsically spending life style.

And that bring me to the other question.
I hope you have changed. Last year, you were feeling that you were on a cusp of change. A change that was long desired and was kind of imperative. The change of cutting the faff out of your being. The change of being truer to self. The change of shedding hypocrisy that had so inherently coalesced inside you for as long as you could remember. And the ultimate change of removing the fakeness from every aspect of life. Your thoughts, your actions, your words. Last year, during the time you were at home, you had met your old friends in Bombay. Esp C. You guys discussed in detail about how things had to change and that you could have lived this way only up till then.
I sincerely hope and pray that you are a disciplined human being now and your words and action do not differ as much as they used to. Even if you have tried but aren't completely there, even then it's okay, these things have built over years and it cannot vanish overnight.

And now about A. The one person you have so deeply loved that everything in life seems kind of partitioned into before meeting and after meeting him. Can I be audacious enough and assume that A dosen't exist for you anymore :). If that's true than something magical must have happened to you! But one year back you were still consumed by the idea of him. It was partly because of him that you left your well paying job, spoiled your health and came home. You had exploited every avenue of getting to know the future and everyone told you that you had no future with him. But one year back, you still nurtured silent hope of staying together in future. You remember you met him one year back after 8 months of no communication and how you guys talked for 7 hours straight, lighting a fire and getting to know the newness in each other sitting by the pyre. Of how his life had transformed. From being a demisexual he had for all practical purposes, become quite comfortable with casual sex. Do you also remember that night when you tried to initiate something in bed, it was rebuffed. Do you also recall that your impatience, made things worse and the next day within those rage filled 5 minutes it was decided that both of you will never get in touch again. When did you guys get in touch again? Or did you ever? How did the pain inside you ebb? or is it still there? I know that you have never loved a gay guy and that was your first. But I seriously hope that you resolved it really soon, this way or that. It had already been so long. You were afraid to let go of feelings for him because you never thought you'll find better love. But he had left long back. Really long back. I hope you are okay with everything and look back with gratitude.

And btw, I am inquisitive to know, is he dating someone? like for real? How is he? Better than me? :D
(No but seriously I hope you guys are in touch. He was a beautiful addition to your life. It would have had made me happy seeing you guys close as friends, given the fact that you have moved on completely and truthfully)

Now coming to the another main mudda. Please please please tell me you are not completely bald. You were losing hair at a tremendous rate one year before. And you were taking every treatment possible, consulting every form of healing. I sincerely pray that these treatments worked for you and your have a decent head full of hair :)

And yeah, I hope to see a decent physique by now. At least a flat stomach and well built arms,

Also,hopefully you have quit smoking on a regular basis. I had allowed for once in a while with drinks, and I assume your are sticking to the routine.

Also, I hope, mum, dad and grandparents are all healthy and Bhai got married in a grand ceremony in while I played violin and gave awesome dance performances :)

At this point, when I am writing this letter, a shiver runs down my spine to even imagine that I found someone whom I fell for. I imagine the guy running around with me at my Bhai's wedding helping me with everything and waking up next to him in the morning and sipping tea overlooking the air strip and whom I can introduce to my mum and dad as my boyfriend :)
.One part of me hopes that it's A, but my rational side knows better!

Anyway, that's pretty much hoping to do in one night.

Do write back and tell me how things unfolded. Reply will be eagerly awaited!


Remote Journey - Encounter with Solitude!

(Was supposed to be published on 3rd January 2015)

(About the picture - Taken en route to Nathu-la pass, Sikkim. Traveled alone, kind of soul searching trip! Made quite a few friends there, lovely weather :)

Happy new year fellas!!! It's the year of 'The Sheep' (Chinese Astrology) & number 8 (Numerology). Hopefully this year brings happiness, contentment & good health for all of us! 

It's been more than 6 months since my last serious post. Lazy ass that I am, I deserve a nice 'Danda' on my bum ( for those who don't know or haven't had the taste of it, it's nice beating  with a wooden stick, typically old-school types ;)

But yeah, things have been really something lately. Okay lets begin with a quick recap, after the institutional education got over and I finally joined the 'Job-I-used-to-thing-I-was-made-for'. It came with reputable brand name, a fat pay cheque, and basically working for a social cause.
So, in all, it was the ideal job that I thought I would be dedicating my life to. But, all this thought processes were a resultant of my life up till medical school, before I moved to Bombay. And as the wise men say, 'bade Shaher main aakar par lag jaate hai":p So something on similar lines happened to me as well. My thinking, choices, priorities had changed covertly and the realization for it came kind of late!

Last winters, I flew down to Delhi to give the interview & was told that I got through next month. I knew that I wouldn't get some fancy location like Bangalore/Mumbai/Pune etc because social work is to be done at a place where it is needed the most and it was mainly UP, Bihar, Orissa, Chattisgarh that I was looking forward as my next destination. I was hoping to get a medium sized city like Agra, Bareilly, Varanasi and I think I would have been kind of okay with that, but when the time for joining came, I was in for a rude shock! I was placed in one of the remote places in one corner of  UP near Nepal border. Included in the list of backward districts of the country, I packed my bags and set my foot for my place of posting.