An Indian gay unwinds..

(Fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man )   On the first day of 2026, I was hit with a unexpected surprise. It is making me confront the deep seated fears that I knew inevitably will come to fore some day.  Every time I come to India, I insist on getting medical tests for everyone in family. During a routine check-up this time, there was some tumorous growth noticed in my father's report. Further steps have already been scheduled and we'll get to know more in the coming days. Medically, I'll be able to mange till the time I am here. But this whole episode (which has just started) has put the unavoidable, in the limelight - aging parents & what lies next. My parents have been a bedrock for me & my home has been my ultimate refuge. No matter what I was going through in the outer world, the idea of a home to go back to, have always given me comfort & security like nothing else. I quit jobs without anything else lined up, move...

One more year done and dusted. A new year beckons. It was an interesting year. Made progress in certain areas. Not so much in some. Regressed in a few :/ C'est la vie :) (Paris encore, but this time through a different lens - circa September 2025 ) Work made me travel around quite a bit. New York, Paris, Amsterdam. I daresay, I am a bit proud of how I stepped up during big transitions. Polished my leadership & communication skills. Garnered accolades. November was the busiest and I am happy with how I showed up :) Met (and fucked!) a famous gay pornstar during an overnight layover at Newark airport in the restroom (this one's for history books :p). Slept with some amazing men (and some bleh, boring experiences to balance it out :p). Love eluded me this year too. Though didn't have much time for it either. Moped over a few guys who didn;t like me back :/ Met a handsome French-Columbian in Paris (call each other Husband affectionately) and had my own version of The Roman...

  उग रहा है दर ओ दीवार से सब्ज़ा ग़ालिब हम बयाबान में हैं और घर में बाहार आयी है. (Greenery is growing out of the doors and walls 'Ghalib' I am in wilderness and spring has arrived at my house) - Goa, March 2025   I have been meaning to write this post for quite some time. As always, was waiting for the 'right opportunity',  which is nothing but a subtle way of saying - I am being lazy & can't seem to find the motivation to sit & write.  Since the last post written in the last days to August 2024 , the lift has changed so much. I recall last year around same time writing this post about manifesting an alternate reality . A reality that was so different from the fears & worries that surrounded me then. And now in this moment, it fills me up with so much joy & boundless gratitude to Almighty that things turned out to be so good, so far  *touchwood* ! A great job, beautiful apartment, generous colleagues, financial abundance - all the things I ha...

At least once in life, I always wanted to have a decent physique that I feel confident posting on social media.  Though I haven't reached exactly the ' Abs are visible '  वाली  stage yet, but I am happy for the progress I have made. Albeit, it is coming a bit later in life, I am on my way to be a daddy :p It took an absolutely hunky gay fitness trainer from Delhi to gift me with the science of food. So simple yet supremely effective. Lost over 15 Kgs of weight and sustained it since :) सब मिल जाए तो तम्मना किसकी करोगे साहिब,  अधूरी ख्वाहिशें ही तो है जो जीने का मज़ा देती है :) Cheers,  ASK

  (About the picture - Taken from my balcony one dreary winter evening in February 2024. A rather apt amalgamation of overcast skies and piercing coldness on the outside & rudderless and hopeless  शून्यता   on the inside)  At this moment I have this strong urge to henceforth treat this blog as Marcus Aurelius treated his diary. As the Emperor of Rome in 170 AD, he had at his disposal the best of wine, women & all kinds of luxuries. Rather than indulging into vices, he penned his thoughts in his diary regularly on importance of being morally upright, what he learnt from various individuals around him & how ruling over his subjects justly & responsibly was his ultimate duty. After he passed away, his personal diary was published as a book titled ' Meditations ' that has become the guiding light for stoic philosophy as a subject.  Borrow from his template, I intend to write the lessons I have learnt in last 2 & half years (and continuing!) , the...

  When this tumultuous time has passed, will you remember? When this chapter is over, the book shut and another episode ongoing, will you remember how you lived?  The moments of helplessness, days of depressing doom & nights of filling the void of time. Will you recall, in vivid detail, the episodic sanity amidst a sea of emotions every day? The bargaining, the pleading, the grief of nothing to hold on to? Nothing to sustain you? Will you reminisce about the times when your eyes swelled at the most inane things? A song, a memory, a picture. Thinking about your parents. Your erstwhile life. Previous/this life karmic debt that brought you at this juncture.  When you are busy again in meetings, on a stage, at official get-togethers all decked-up in formals, will you recollect how hard you prayed to be back in saddle? When you are busy travelling again every fortnight, coming back to your cozy home, tired yet satisfied, how much you regretted not valuing what had when you...