A tale of the new year & my coming out (Part I)

Happy New Year everyone !! I sincerely hope that this new year brings joy, happiness & contentment to all of you in ways you never imagined & take away your sorrows & pain forever !!

So the week leading to this new year (the 52nd week of 2011) has been one hell of an experience for me. I OFFICIALLY CAME OUT to my parents a few days ago !!! It was a no holds barred intermittent discussion spread over 2-3 days sprinkled with lots of drama, emotions, weird moments & deafening silences & what not !
So here's my story of what happened, how it happened & 'who said what'..

PROLOGUE - Struck up in life & stagnating at the same place for long I was contemplating coming out to my family since long but was searching for the perfect time but always there was some or the other issue cropped up like my dad's ill health, their professional problems, etc  umpteen such things to push my coming out to the back burner. Me being the youngest & the model boy (caring, tender, responsible & other such gay attributes are our strong suit, ain't it? ) I wanted to attenuate the shock that I was about to give them by choosing the perfect opportunity but it never happened. & now I had my hopes up for February 2012 when my family was to converge at home for a function [we all live at different places owing to job constraints :-(  So when my dad told me a few days ago the he was going home for the new year I was surprised. Riding high on hopelessness & loss of interest in life, waiting for things to move on, I impulsively decided to go home & come out and get this over with quickly. And 24 hrs later, I was at my doorstep at dusk with my heart thumping in anticipation of impending scene that was about to unravel in a few hours & how things would never remain the same ever again after that night.

MAIN ACT - Acting all normal until after dinner I finally decided to take the plunge. I asked them to come sit with me & told them that I had come due to a special reason. I started things off with how one has to face difficulties in life & it can come in any form & shape and how my regular flip flops regarding my career had a basic reason behind it. Before I could elaborate any further, my mother injected "don't build up suspense & come straight to the point".
"Main gay hoon (I m gay)" I said. (My father's first reaction, slapping his palm on forehead & shaking furiously while inhaling violently. My mother's first reaction, a weird an eye shut expression {as if she is tasting something very sour} staring at some distant point.)
Dad started off at once "what did we do in our life to get such..."
& at that point the barriers to the tears I was holding back broke down & I raised my voice to a shrill pitch & said " Now listen, I have come to speak something & rite now just listen to me."
Mom kept calm told my Dad to keep quiet & asked me to continue "Baat puri karne do."
And then I started off from the begnning, the script I had countless times rehearsed in my mind of how at the age of 13-14 when puberty came & how I started feeling different for men unlike my classmates who started drooling over girls. How I have had to keep quiet & suffer silently. How I was the convict of the crime I did not commit & how it was natural of me to have such feelings and the guilt associated with them made me cry out many times to God for answers as to why he made me such way. Half stuttering half choked I blabbered about the the whole girl friend routine which I had to do subconsciously under peer pressure upon entering the college & finally about living in the hostel where I liked a guy (straight, of course !) but had to keep quiet for obvious reasons..
After a brief silence dad again started with " Why is this happening to us..I m on verge of retirement..one son has given up the religion (my bro desecrated his hair which are considered sacred in our religion) & now you are talking about this thing...For what are we living..there is nothing left in our lives anymore...."
I protested in between sobs " Dad I didn't choose it..I was suffering silently for so many years but now I couldn't bear it anymore..I was fed up with the way my life was going..I had to tell you this thing..it was eating me inside..
I don't expect anything..If you want u can disown me..I don't know about the future but I have decided on one thing..I won't get married to a women..I don't want a farcical relationship just to pretend I am 'normal'..
gay people are normal & they should be treated just the same & i will stand up for myself...& if for that I have to sacrifice my social standing, i will do that...I care about only u people & rest are inconsequential for me but both of u have a social image built in many years & I don't want you to suffer even slightly on my account..I never wanted to a be a disappointment to u guys but I really can't help this..
so if you want to disown me..i'll accept it.."
the first words my otherwise composed Mom said with moist eyes "tumhe itna bada disown karne ke liye kiya hai?? tumne soch kaise liya hum tumhe 'disown' kaise karenge (how did u even think we will disown you? did  we bring you up to disown you?)"
Dad also mellowed slightly "don't use the word 'disown'..you have been an excellent son & we never have had any complaints from you.."
And from there the discussion veered towards my profession..& how my desire to live in a free & uninhibited manner cannot be realized in this country & how can I move abroad..
It was a discussion mainly between my Dad & me with my mom listening quietly which was unsettling because in my house its mom who calls the shots on crucial matters with her inexplicably sensible & reasonable solutions to complex issues ( that's what I love about working women, they are so smart ! )

And that's how the day 1 ended with me giving my parents the shock of a lifetime..

But that was not all..the next day had in store for me not just some very embarrassing moments of my life but also some pleasant surprises !
Will continue it in Part II :-)




There was a smile on my face. It was quite cold outside and I snuggled inside the 'rajaai' (Thick blanket) so as the warmth inside doesn't escape even a bit. My feet were so warm and making my face jealous which was peeping out of the quilt for breathing. The soft bed was the first thing I remember of the next day. The feeling one gets after waking up on his own bed after so long, can not be described in words.