Letters for A - Love & other mundane things!

My boy,

Just one word – Gratitude.

For all the pain I am suffering now, for all the longing I have, for all the rejection and self-doubt that I am surrounded with right now, I still feel this deep urge to ‘Thank you’ for being.

Going through the endless exchanges of messages I had with you, again and again, over sms, over facebook, over skype I am trying to relive all the moments that I spent with you. And oh boy! Wasn’t it beautiful! Each message, filled with such enthusiasm, such energy, such life!

I don’t know if you remember, but I do. Succinctly!

 Do you remember? It all started with the address of this blog one late night in the city I had begged to be assigned to me for my internship. Why? I don’t know. Just something inside me told me to opt for Calcutta. I was the only to be assigned my choice.
And before arrival, my father’s ill health literally forced me to drop the internship, but I still managed somehow.

And you happened!

 That night of conversation. Starting from the link to my blog (Which I never gave you and I am glad now I didn’t).

The first meeting at the ghats. The spontaneous dip in the Ganges. The rose tea.

The next night. The Cemetery. Rahul Mehta’s Quarantine.  Broadway Inn. The Beer. The songs. The soft brush of lips!

The next morning tea.

The trip to the sea beach. On bike. Sleazy hotel. Sand.  Beer at night on the beach. Under moonlight our first kiss. Pitch dark! 2 days of bliss! The stares, the stolen kisses. In middle of the road. The lighthouse.

Venturing into city. Late night buses. The stay over. Sometimes yours, other times mine.

The resolve to watch a movie together (which could never happen!)

The discussions. The lengthy smses.  The pleasure of savouring each word.

Weekend at Kucche! Drinks & pot. Making love on Dewaan!

Surprise at the airport. Again a stay over. You always being left hungry & hurt (physically).

The songs. The lyrics. Jeene ke bahaane lakhon hai :)

Infinite such little little things that we did, the walks we took, the things we shared.

So many first's! For you and for me!

Those weeks passed in almost a blur. Smiles galore, my happiness was almost contagious. The naive villagers I used to work with even commented on how happy and cheerful I am in spite of all the adversities. And now when I think of it, you were the reason! (Aur tujhse haseen tera pyaar, tu jaane na :)

The morning I came to see off while you were returning, I knew somewhere in back of my mind that it will never be same again. At least not in the exact way it was.

During the last few days of me wrapping up my work and preparing to leave, you had begun to re-settle at your place. Exchange of those long letters on fb remained the cornerstone of our relation apart from the calls which became infrequent as expected as we started getting busy in our regular lives.
The eager anticipation of receiving a new message, savouring each line of your expressivity, be it the most mundane thing, melting reading your 'mwahs' and replying to them in my idiotic style!

With passage of time, the longing on both sides was getting alarmingly high. I just ached to be close to you, kiss you and wrap you in my arms tightly. And finally when I came to your city, the 3 days spent that room of yours and the last evening trek felt just like Calcutta. Doing nothing and just being there for each other. Nothing else mattered to me then.

Even as we bid farewell before I left for abroad,  the promise of meeting as soon as I return gave me incentive to go around the world and look forward to my return.

But I should have known better. Warsan Shire's words  'Home cannot be made out of human beings' still ring in my ears.
Since beginning I knew deep down that this 'thing' between us had different interpretations for both of us. For you loving didn't amount to possessing an individual. I don't think you remember but I do. Very clearly. Let me remind you what transpired between us one night while we talking random things -

Me: I am afraid that you might suddenly lose interest in me someday random..not because of practical reasons! but suddenly one morning you will realize you don't feel the same way you used to till last night!

You: don't be a fool! When i say i love you means that you are someone I have been gifted, someone beautiful beyond belief who I have been lucky enough to meet... It does not mean you are 'mine'...that i would ever want to 'possess' you in any way... It means simply that i bow my head, my ego before you...that i trust you... that this is not just about passion... i will never ever hurt you... otherwise i will destroy my faith in humanity through myself..

I on the other hand was a believer of old school of love but could never convey it clearly lest I lose you.

During my stay in the US, I wrote to you in detail of how certain incidences happened in New York that made me realize that how strong my feelings were for you. You shared the experiences you had back home how you missed me. But the feeling of you drifting away from where I stood started creeping in. I don't really know whether that was my perennial fear that I attracted or my cynicism taking over my rationality, but whatever it was, there was absence of a certain degree of warmth in your writings which was my first clue. The day I landed, after almost 36 hrs of flights, thoroughly jet lagged, I was so excited to meet you that at middle of the night, I came by your place in spite of your repeated stern warnings. And it was just worth it because of that beautiful kiss we shared even when you were seething with anger about my recklessness. But in the week that followed, something happened that manifested the thing I feared most. I don't know what ticked you off or what came to your mind, but things were never the same after that. After you left for your place, the first casualty of the dying romance from your side were your letters/messages which stopped coming. Even till date my month & half old messages are still unread. And it hurt me. Really bad. As you started getting busy with you work and I was under pressure of performing at my own workplace, the rarity in the once-so-frequent-communication between defeated me internally. With my messages being unanswered for a long time, I always pacified myself by telling that you must be busy/exhausted/no balance etc etc. Once in blue moon talking over phone gestured clearly that things were over from your side. But I, like a foolish optimistic believed otherwise. I knew your were going through issues and I tried my best to be understanding towards them. I still am, but I took a long time drawing a line between being there for you (as I cared for you) and letting myself hurt silently. It's high time I stop doing that to myself. Do you remember when all this was happening and I was so anguished at your non-response, that I came to your city at the first opportunity I got? That night, it became very clear to me that it was all over and I was just flogging a dead horse just to be in the mirage that the downturn was temporary and things will get back to normal. But it was never to be. I have just one major bone to pick with you. During all this time, you couldn't say upfront that things were over when you were sure about it? You knew it all along and for all those months, your silence gave me pain and nothing else. I deserved that bit of timely honesty from you. It wasn't until when I was fed up of pretending anymore that I forced you to confront this question and you said that 'things were not same as they were'. I understand that in the bigger picture of your life, I was a wisp of fresh air, a brief interlude in all that was going on with your life that also involved the love of your life. The question of me being able to replace him never arose and I knew that. But for me you meant a lot. A LOT. Even now, I don't know where are we standing. I can't be just friends with you, at least not now. I also cannot sever ties with you suddenly when I have been all understanding and patient. But all this silence on my part have started making me a bitter person which I never was and never wanted to be. No matter how unimaginable it seems right now, I have to get back to my life pre-you. One of my favourite poets Shamz Tabrizi has said very aptly - Love is a travel. All travellers whether they want or not are changed. No one can travel into love and remain the same.

I learnt so much from you, with you. And I cannot thank you enough for that. 

And I still love you. 

But I can't let the pain win over me anymore.

It's time for me to let go!

Love!