Sex (lack of!), Addictions (too much of!) and Apathy :/
Yeyy, I am back! (with yet another randirona 😆)
I yaad karo this blog only when I hit yet another rock bottom I had no idea even existed. I have spent enough time down there wallowing in 'manufactured crises' one after another that I ought to get an honorary Geologist degree by now 😅
I realized a while ago that my libido has gone down significantly over the years. On the surface, I can think of many factors - Not really into hookup culture anymore, becoming more of a demisexual lately and low self-esteem due to not working out and feeling like a hideous slob. But it's time to face the (not so!) hard truth - in last couple of encounters I have had, it has been difficult to either get or sustain an erection. Now truth be told, my dick has been the 'biggest' asset. Let's just say while God didn't bless me with average average height, he compensated a couple of inches elsewhere 😋. Many of my lovers over the decades still remember me for my jewels & my punjabiness in the bed ;)
Since last week I was chatting with this extremely hot guy. Just my type - great physique, moderately hairy & masc desi bottom. After building up the anticipation after days of sexting & picture exchange, I finally rode my bike for 40 mins to see him at 11:30 pm in the night. & there he was, much more sexier in-person wearing just loose shorts and displaying his delectable pecs & kissable face. We started off like fireworks - Intense, sweaty & hungry. Moans & musky perspiration hung in the air & every inch of both bodies were being devoured. After enough foreplay, when the time came for the main course - he wanted to see the antics start in front of a mirror & by the time I slid on the condom, I had lost my hardness. Some lame attempts later, I still couldn't get it up. I was experiencing a burning sensation of mixed emotions - shame, guilt & revulsion. Kudos to him, he was still polite & we wrapped up the thoroughly disastrous episode amicably. Though we said, we'd meet next time but I am pretty sure he'd never want a repeat performance :/
I was totally numb throughout the 30 mins bike ride back to my hotel. Now, I AM aware that in the bigger scheme of things this would not have been a big thing. Shit like this happens to everyone at some point of time in their lives. But in last few years, this kinda has happened more times that I care to admit & most unsettling thing about it are the bitter truths that I have steadfastly refused to face. It is more of psychological panic loop at this point - first few incidences of ED (whatever may be the reason) created a fear of future failure. over time, repeated difficulty has created a loop: worry --> poor performance-->more worry--> worse performance.
This post is probably an attempt to start admitting them and see where that takes me.
I have been a SMOKER for almost 18 years, 15 of which have been chain (ed) one. Since I start keeping records of each ciggi smoked, almost 3 years ago, I average around 12 a day, may 10 on a good day and 25+ on a bad one. I started way back in college under peer-pressure and took to it like fish to water. Initially, smoking for me had a 'sanctity' - only to be done in 'highest of highs' or 'lowest of lows'. But somewhere down the road it morphed into an addiction that I was absolutely not willing to admit. Since moving to Bombay in 2012, I became a chain smoker and have carried on since then.
In the last 15-16 years Cigarettes have been my constant companion throughout everything. Finding/losing love, gaining weight, heavy weightlifting, travelling the world, moving countries and everything in between. Now, a cigarette feels like a natural extension of the hand and my daily routines & rituals are built around it. Subconsciously, it become the first go-to before any/everything - whether it's landing after a flight or meeting a new guy over chai-sutta, it is pretty much interwoven in my entire existence. And yeah, I am a doctor, I know it's bad & how it is very harmful for so many reasons yada yada yada, I acknowledge it's an addiction that I am unable (or to be bluntly honest - unwilling) to let go off. For years now, I have been deluding myself that when the time comes, and there WILL COME a time, when I'll decide that it's enough and I'll quit it. And maybe that's why I haven't even half-ass attempted to quit ever. But with the side effects of it clearly staring me in my face, I feel drained & even exhausted at just the idea of it - even if I start thinking seriously of quitting now, it'll take months to reverse it and the amount of herculean effort it'll take to rewire my brain & life :/
That's not all. It's just the tip of the iceberg. erectile issues are more multifactorial than one realizes. In my case, yes smoking causes damage to blood vessels & NO (Nitric Oxide) blockage, but I have no issues attaining & maintaining it when I jerk off (and that's quite frequent again :/). That brings me to my second point - desensitization. Having been pretty much alone my life, I have developed a very comfortable relationship with my right hand. And more than visual porn, erotic literature has been my go-to as long as I can remember. Having a comfortable jerk off in my bed almost nightly (yes, I have a counter app for that too!😅) is infinitely more convenient than looking for a sexual partner (which itself a very high effort - finding the RIGHT guy exactly when you want😓).
I am aware that this is also an addiction that I am unable (rather unwilling) to confront. But both these addictions speak more on a basal level - target the Dopamine reward system of the brain. Frequent use of nicotine & masturbation (and even doom scrolling!) are all 'buttons' that give the same chemical hit but damage both the hardware (blood vessels) and software (brain) in the longer run. For the uninitiated, dopamine is the main neurotransmitter in our brain of craving & motivation. Constantly employing these addictions trigger massive spikes of dopamine and over time, brain protects itself by 'downregulating (reducing) the receptors because there is too much overload. Also, because brain is used to these 'high-voltage' hits, an intimacy disconnects develops. On top of that, the same desensitization is likely cause of my next (and I think most crucial) issue - generalized apathy.
The bottom line is, as far as my understanding of medicine goes, my case is more of a psychogenic or performance anxiety related dysfunction. Yes, the physical factors & addictions have contributed to it, but the generalized lack of interest, interest or concern in most aspects of life is single biggest factor. Theoretically, it can be linked to a low-grade or functional depression but deep down I know it's owing straying away from the spiritual core that has led to the misalignment and consequent effects.
In summary,
Yes, I am having issues with sexual performance lately.
Yes, I am aware of the impact long-term addictions are having on me.
Yes, I realize a overhauling change is needed.
I am at an important crossroad - Do I carry on with the way I have led my life until now and end up a decrepit, pompous sexless old man who willfully abandoned his spark as he couldn't fight his demons
OR
Reimagine a new future and challenge myself to THE biggest transformation of my life, free of addictions of quick dopamine that'll fundamentally alter my future course of life.
Watch this space for updates :)
Love,
ASK
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