An Indian gay unwinds..

Photograph - Andrea Gibson   (The Youtube link for the poem) 2014 is about to end. A lot has changed in past 6 months. There are lot of tales to recount. But right now, I just want to listen and absorb each emotion of this poem by Andrea Gibson. Every nerve in my body is on fire. With lust, love, jealousy & longing! I wish I was a photograph tucked into the corners of your wallet I wish I was a photograph you carried like a future in your back pocket I wish I was that face you show to strangers when they ask you where you come from I wish I was that someone that you come from every time you get there And when you get there I wish I was that someone who got phone calls And postcards saying Wish you were here I wish you were here Autumn is the hardest season The leaves are all falling And they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground And the trees are naked and lonely I keep trying to tell them New leaves will come around in the spring

(About the picture - "Starry Night' by Vincent Van Gogh. One of his most celebrated paintings, a personal favourite. Another one being 'Boats at Saintes Maries'. Was my wall paper for a long long time) Recently I celebrated my birthday. I am officially on the wrong side on 20s now! Friends who were coincidentally here for official conference, had brought cake and we celebrated a little party at midnight! Thank you guys. Love you :) Also, the thing that had occupied every moment of my life, covertly or overtly for the past six months, the chapter of A finally was laid to rest. My inner demons at the end relented and vanquished my mind. And I seriously hope for the good. After an eternity, A sent a polite message hoping all was good with me and wished me happy birthday on my fb wall. And that was the moment when I decided. After months of being in doldrums, I finally made the decision that I should have had made long time back, Nonetheless, all's well that ends

[About the picture - It is the Fewa Lake in Pokhara, Nepal. Clicked it while taking a walk along the lakeside. If and when you go there, do sit at the shacks at the lakeside and let the breeze in :] (Disclaimer added on 15/May/14 - The following post was written on my touch phone when I was getting drunk! Thought of deleting it, but then, for whom should I delete. It's my blog and I am allowed to be as shallow as possible and crib my heart out when I am drunk :D ) Days and weeks have passed.. Sitting besides the lake..pleasant breeze blowing..good English music in the background..sipping my 3rd Tuborg on a lounge chair in a hill station of another country...I am looking at the convocation pictures of my colleagues which happened today,  which incidentally I should have been attending but unfortunately I could not because I am not graduating year. From being a serious contender in the race for the best student of the year award to the only one who didn't graduate, al

[About the picture- It is of a beautiful beach almost 120 kms south of Kolkata. Me & A spent an amazing weekend there!] Dear A, Sitting at the airport, waiting for the flight to take me away from the megapolis that was home for past 2 years, my thoughts wander towards you. I am hungry therefore I order the only decent option available (which was ridiculously overpriced!) which turned out to be one of the most horrendous tasting sandwich I have ever had. As I attempt to swallow it, just in order to fill my stomach, my eyes wander towards the sauces available at the counter. And I think of you. Had you been in a similar situation, you would have chosen the best among them and would have made them into something that was not only edible but also inviting. You are famous for your culinary skills (though I never got a chance to have that meal that you promised you would make just for me!) and just listening/reading about the exotic dishes that you used to make, made my saliv

[About the picture -Jake Gyllenhaal & Heath Ledger. I love this still from the movie!] "I wish I knew how to quit you" My favourite line from the Epic movie. Every time I watch it, a piece of me melts for both of them. Watched it after a long time. And first time after I met A. The movie's plain simple guitar music given by Gustavo Santaolalla is an indispensable part of movie experience for me. Especially the track - 'Wings' played during the final scene, it's beautiful but in a gut wrenching way.  The mountains, the stillness, the close ups. the performances. Everything is so tender and real. This movie will always remain for me in the top 3 Queer movies of all times. And to A, I wish I knew how to quit you :) Final Scene of Brokeback Mountain

Have I ever told you guys about my fascination with Urdu poetry and ghazals! There is something about the Urdu words that resonate with my inner self, somewhere deep it stirs my soul. And I don't know why. Nobody even in my extended family is interested in poetry or ghazals etc but I guess those six years at medical school, drinking BP (our favorite and affordable whiskey brand of those days!) with the my friends, listening to Jagjit Singh, Ghulam Ali, Mehdi Hassan, Abida Parveen and ilk in that 'mood' lighting (We used to wrap a faint cloth around the zero watt bulb to set the mood for drinks :p) I developed a penchant for words. Words, esp Urdu words, so dense & so deep that they literally pierce through your heart and you begin to feel the emotions expressed in them as that part of you which was hitherto undiscovered but are strangely familiar.  So here is a little collection of lines that I have always liked. Will update it as and when I remember more. Raat yun

My today's horoscope said -  The lure of the strange and unusual is becoming stronger in your horoscope day by day and week by week. The question is, can you satisfy this aspect of your character close at hand or must you plan an overseas expedition? Are you ready for a voyage into the unknown? I am exactly at a point in life where unknown beckons me. Things are in flux. All chaos. The idea of home, friends, work, love, life. All ask for new meaning. Severed from the hitherto past. No idea what's going to happen. In times like these, duck your head. Shut down the ever buzzing radio of mind. Light a cigarette. Sit in dark room with faint green light. And surrender. 

(About the picutures - It is famous cemetry in cental Calcutta. Taking a walk through the graves built as early as 1700s in various architectural styles with lush green surroundings is magical. A & I met here during the initial days] I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word home means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name just by the way you describe your bedroom when you were eight. See, I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate, and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms or would leave your snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you wou

As my days in Bombay aka Aamchi Mumbai are numbered, I am spending my last few days of carefree student life lazing around in campus,  having unhealthy and expensive food, drinking a lot, smoking to my heart's (and in this case, lungs!) content. So basically, having fun time before I begin the work phase of my life. Lately, I  have started to think about my non-existent sex life since last few months. After going through this break up thing which went on for me for so long, I think, my desires to consummate again signals that finally I am ready to begin my normal life, at least on surface. But with a full beard that threatens to go unruly if not taken care of soon coupled with no gyming/exercising since 6 months leading to considerable accumulation of adipose tissue in the mid segment (& for those who know the medical lingo, almost 18 weeks size ;) and accha khaasa sun burn, I look so totally hideous right now. But inspite of all this, on the verge of sounding of self-obses

[About the picture - The Queen's Necklace :) This place will always be one of the best stress buster places of all times! Feeling low, then take a cab and come to Marine drive. And let the sea breeze lighten you up!] After spending almost 2 years in Mumbai, it's time to pack my bags, yet again :( This regular nomadic life that I have been living since the beginning of my life, sometimes I hate it! First it was the army thing because of dad, then because of mom's job we kept on changing places. Have changed more than 7 schools in 12 years of schooling. By the way, did I ever mention that I was one of those (un)fortunate children who used to study in the same schools where my Mum was posted as principal! It was a different kind of feeling. Almost a mini-celebrity stature :) Every new school I joined, since the very first day, students start to point fingers at you in hushed tones while you walk in the corridors. Teachers deal with you in different manner than

My Boy, It has almost been 3 weeks since I came to your city. The last strings of hope which I was clinging on to that once you see me, things will change a little and I will get that closure or 'that reason' which had jumbled up my mind for the past few months. I could have gotten over it all long back had I not known that I was to come to your city in March. In spite of all your words and actions which conveyed otherwise, deep down I was hoping that things will turn for better. And by better, I hadn't necessarily thought about getting back together or something, but some sort of explanation  that would rest my inner demons. To be honest, I was just looking forward to that one heart to heart conversation in which we bared our souls and thoughts about what happened and why and let all the misunderstandings, differences, bitterness melt away. Logic, reasoning, emotions, desires, faith, understanding, all melded into one last shot I had in this one month long stay. I h

Living in Mumbai for almost 2 years now, my only interaction in Marathi happens on a daily basis when I converse with the "Maushis" in the canteen. I make it a point to ask them in Marathi 'kasa aahis tumi?'  and sing the only marathi song I know (Apsara Aali!) :-) If nothing, it makes them giggle and jabber in marathi with each other (apparently making fun of me!) but nontheless, in return, they sometimes they give me free stuff and let off the currency change in case I don't have it. I am quite happy with the little arrangement we got there. But I finally decided to watch a marathi movie and a good opportunity came today when one very famous movie of Marathi in recent days, Fandry was showing in the nearby screens. The ticket prices were also quite low as apparently the government has forsaken the taxes for promotion of Marathi film industry. Fandry was released last year, travelled to many national and international film festivals, was released theatrically o

Am fascinated by this interesting page on FB these days. Terribly Tiny Tales. A touching story in 3-4 crisp lines. A tweet sized anecdote. Here is an attempt of my own TTT :) He was wounded. Lost. A fresh wisp of air came. A brief interlude. He recovered, eventually. But the air got trapped in cobwebs. They say, collateral damage.

My boy, Just one word – Gratitude. For all the pain I am suffering now, for all the longing I have, for all the rejection and self-doubt that I am surrounded with right now, I still feel this deep urge to ‘Thank you’ for being. Going through the endless exchanges of messages I had with you, again and again, over sms, over facebook, over skype I am trying to relive all the moments that I spent with you. And oh boy! Wasn’t it beautiful! Each message, filled with such enthusiasm, such energy, such life! I don’t know if you remember, but I do. Succinctly!  Do you remember? It all started with the address of this blog one late night in the city I had begged to be assigned to me for my internship. Why? I don’t know. Just something inside me told me to opt for Calcutta. I was the only to be assigned my choice. And before arrival, my father’s ill health literally forced me to drop the internship, but I still managed somehow. And you happened!  That night of conversation. Start