Letters for A - Questions!

My Boy,

It has almost been 3 weeks since I came to your city. The last strings of hope which I was clinging on to that once you see me, things will change a little and I will get that closure or 'that reason' which had jumbled up my mind for the past few months. I could have gotten over it all long back had I not known that I was to come to your city in March. In spite of all your words and actions which conveyed otherwise, deep down I was hoping that things will turn for better. And by better, I hadn't necessarily thought about getting back together or something, but some sort of explanation  that would rest my inner demons. To be honest, I was just looking forward to that one heart to heart conversation in which we bared our souls and thoughts about what happened and why and let all the misunderstandings, differences, bitterness melt away. Logic, reasoning, emotions, desires, faith, understanding, all melded into one last shot I had in this one month long stay. I had even prayed hard to all the Gods that things sort out between us and at least we part as friends for life, if nothing else.

But, time and again, I have belittled signals from my brain and let my heart rule over. I let my unfathomable mind go through so many possibilities which though kept hopes alive but in reality turned out to be merely figments of my childish imagination. And hence the disaster. "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." One of my favourite quotes of Friedrich Nietzsche sums it up all. 

I now lived stone throw away from your place. Unnerved and indifferent, you failed to pick up the subtle signals I sent that I am here and you notice that, But as always, you didn't. Even if you did, you didn't get in touch. One night compelled out of your non-response, I actually forced you out of your place to meet me well past midnight to which you were so reluctant but eventually you came. In those extremely uncomfortable 20 minutes I realized that you were not the same person I knew. The palpable cold vibes from you were laced with indifference almost bordering on unfamiliarity which agonized me. Made me feel like a complete fool of myself. After the pointless small talk when I left, I underwent a hell lot of emotional turmoil. Mainly because why had I been putting myself through so much trouble internally when clearly for the you, I meant nothing. But also because how cold can you be to person you have been emotionally involved with. The question of WHY & HOW baffled me and made me come up with God knows what wide variety of hypothesis.
 
You said you need time, I gave you enough time. Time to deliberate, time to formulate response and come up with at least your part of supposed truth that was very important to me to make sense out of this quagmire.


But you didn't respond. Absolutely no initiative. and weeks have passed since then and I am about to leave this city in a few days now and perhaps you had been waiting for that only (even if that!)


But now things have changed. I have changed. In all that time while I waited for your answer, in their absence, my heart/mind formulated their own. Though late, but my self preservation instinct kicked in finally.

I believe some of the things in me that you were attracted to, were straightforwardness, spontaneity, a sense of adventure and living in the moment. But being with you, that thing slowly started to quieten down. I began to spin my life around you, focused on you, concerned about you. In that process I somewhere lost myself. In your non response, I gave myself to substance addictions (smoking almost a pack of ciggis a day, what was I thinking!!), cut myself my people around me who actually cared about me, lost my academic interest and generally led a pathetic life. What the hell, I even got my hand cut accidentally (Unintentionally but indirectly related to you, remember?), underwent surgery, was in plaster for month..and countless other such things that made my last few months truly miserable.

Now looking back, it seems incredulous that how could I have done all this to myself! But then, I now know. That hopelessly romantic, naive guy who was dumbstruck with the first love of life which was akin to fairy tale to begin with, lost his bearings in the journey somewhere. And it took a long time realize that. And it's taking even longer to find them back and coming back on track of life. But I know that as the process is finished gradually, I would come out as a new person. A person who respects others' feelings, lives in moderation, thinks before he acts and essentially never resorts to physical abuse through drugs & alcohol.
The whole episode made the fault lines in my me come out in open. My whimsical nature, my unreasonable relentlessness and head strong nature &  the classical trait of instability (I attribute it to the influence of number 2 as my birth number in numerology!) I saw the most ugly, weak and cringy side of me. And I know it'll take time, but I'll come out of it as saner  and calmer individual. I WILL.

Uptill now, the eye of the storm had been you. But it was me all along. My expectations, my interpretations, basically my stupidity. Which I humbly accept as part of my being.

And as for you, baby this silence and time strategy of yours has been your trademark. Give time, take time, let things settle down, let the feelings die, let the emotions harden has been your signature style. The more I came to know through your friends, my understanding of you became clearer.

But baby, that was all water under the bridge. I was weak when I had a fear of loosing something. 

In retrospect I know I shall thank you for this mess you left me in so that I had no option but to swim across myself. But I'll suggest you from next time, whenever you "fall in love" with somebody and then get out of it as easily after a while, do remember that it was not just about you. The other person has invested emotions in that relation and if nothing, show some respect. And once for a change, be a man and sit down and talk. Face to face. Eye to eye. And tell the truth. Your complete truth. What you felt and now what you feel. And have the balls to listen to the other person's words as well then. And do it at the right time. Not when things have gone beyond repair. Running away, buying time, avoiding, not responding to calls/messages, all these things are just symbols of cowardice and nothing else. I know that this had been the first for you too in many many ways, but you got to learn this lesson and I'll make sure that in my going away, it is engraved in your memory forever!

Peace!