An Indian gay unwinds..

  (About the picture - Taken from my balcony one dreary winter evening in February 2024. A rather apt amalgamation of overcast skies and piercing coldness on the outside & rudderless and hopeless  शून्यता   on the inside)  At this moment I have this strong urge to henceforth treat this blog as Marcus Aurelius treated his diary. As the Emperor of Rome in 170 AD, he had at his disposal the best of wine, women & all kinds of luxuries. Rather than indulging into vices, he penned his thoughts in his diary regularly on importance of being morally upright, what he learnt from various individuals around him & how ruling over his subjects justly & responsibly was his ultimate duty. After he passed away, his personal diary was published as a book titled ' Meditations ' that has become the guiding light for stoic philosophy as a subject.  Borrow from his template, I intend to write the lessons I have learnt in last 2 & half years (and continuing!) , the lessons I want

  When this tumultuous time has passed, will you remember? When this chapter is over, the book shut and another episode ongoing, will you remember how you lived?  The moments of helplessness, days of depressing doom & nights of filling the void of time. Will you recall, in vivid detail, the episodic sanity amidst a sea of emotions every day? The bargaining, the pleading, the grief of nothing to hold on to? Nothing to sustain you? Will you reminisce about the times when your eyes swelled at the most inane things? A song, a memory, a picture. Thinking about your parents. Your erstwhile life. Previous/this life karmic debt that brought you at this juncture.  When you are busy again in meetings, on a stage, at official get-togethers all decked-up in formals, will you recollect how hard you prayed to be back in saddle? When you are busy travelling again every fortnight, coming back to your cozy home, tired yet satisfied, how much you regretted not valuing what had when you had it? Would

It's a warm Friday evening in late spring. The most beautiful time of the year, summers, are well on the way. Having shifted the new condo a few weeks ago, I have set up the place quite nicely by now. Surrounded by fuzzy yellow lamp lighting, I am lounging on my comfy couch surrounded by cosy cushions & a blanket/throw around me, knitting a muffler for my mother with my knitting basket next to me, I am watching a true crime documentary by That Chapter on my 85" Samsung Frame TV.  I pause TV for a bit & soak into the present moment. It is mostly quiet around here on the 22nd floor except for the periodic swishing of automatic air freshener dispenser & the occasional traffic sounds from the busy street below.  It'll be my birthday next week & I'll  be hosting my friends for the first time at this new place. Most of them aren't even aware that I have moved back into the city and boy will they be surprised! Just a few hours ago, my bi-weekly salary of

   (The trek through Jakhama was tough but the night stay was absolutely worth it @ Dzukou Valley, Nagaland - circa February 2021) A while ago, one of the NGOs working in LGBT+ space organized a poetry writing contest. The theme of the competition was around sexuality, acceptance & pride. When one of my friends prodded me to send a submission, I was thinking what should I even write? My sexuality is just another facet of my existence. It doesn't define me per-se. However, on deeper contemplation, I realize the privileged position I am/have been in. I wasn't born in the era where being a homosexual was criminalized to an extent that it warranted a capital punishment or incarceration. It still is an offence punishable by death in some cultures and theocratic nations, especially some Middle-eastern & African Islamic countries. Nor I faced the 1980-90s era AIDS epidemic that saw a whole generation of gay men dropping dead & ostracized from society. In India, though decr

  (A dead tree, or as they call it 'snag', slowly rotting away while giving life to an entire wildlife ecosystem around it, found while sauntering around @Hampstead Health Trail, London, UK circa June 2019) I have been postponing an important task that should have been completed last month. It pertains to my ongoing job hunt and logically speaking, it should be on top priority. However, every day I get up, I find some or the other excuse to avoid it. Let me smoke a cigarette first or lemme have a bath now or lemme go to this party or that friend gathering or I'll do with 'fresh mind' after the weekend yada yada yada. All said and done, I have found neither the 'right time' nor the 'best frame of mind' to sit on my laptop and work upon it yet. Coming to think of it, this procrastination has been a repeated pattern throughout my life and ironically writing this blog post is yet another excuse not to start upon it :/ I think it's high time to dissec

  (A picture from Toronto Pride - June 2022) Finally Pride Weekend is here! For most of us queer people here, it is a kind of festival season in Toronto. Though I used to attend the Pride walks in Mumbai as well, the fervor here is absolutely different. People draw their plans way in advance, book the events at least a month or two before (otherwise everything is sold out and one will have stand in lines outside for hours, even then you aren't sure you'll gain entry or not 😅) & pick their outfits for each party & the main pride walk.  All in all, it's the equivalent of Gay Christmas (or Gay Diwali for us desi folks) 😀 That being said, I am celebrating pride very low key this time. Not going to any party, especially the desi ones that I personally love - to drink & dance to heart's content :) But I'll go for the Pride Walk for sure though on Sunday. I remember getting hammered at the last year's RANGEELA (South Asian LGBTQ+ event) during Pride and d