Feeling Liberated :)

I like late nights...There is something peaceful about them and it’s not just the quietness around...Its more than mere absence of shouting, constant chattering, blaring TV etc around me in the hostel I live..

In the nights, when everyone is sleeping, the silent corridors make a spontaneous smile appear on my face, I feel as if there was a mass tied to my chest and now it’s slipping down giving way to a sense of immense relief and it exaggerated the smile even more… I am a night glower...

Coming out of abstract things, it’s not just the final exams that are on my mind right now...They have their own weightage but life beyond is what is bothering me the most...Being here for nearly five years had made me forgot that there was a life beyond college...past life seems to me like a distant dream as if it actually happened to somebody else and I was just a witness to all that what was happening..My school days spent in various schools, my preparation period, even my first yr in this college..All comes to my mind in black and white flashback... And now suddenly when the reality that I actually have to move out of this place, of this whole setting is scary, almost unreal...I get gripped by this feeling every now and then that now it’s time to move on and then suddenly I realize where to??  What am I gonna do in future? How am I going to handle things…I was so involved in the present during these years that I never gave a serious tangible thought to how and what I going to end up with? Friends, classes, movies, dinner, sleep, bc all were so much part of my life that there was no space or time for anything to spring up.. And now suddenly when it’s time to move on I suddenly feel deserted..like a young boy who lost touch with his mother in a jostling overwhelming crowd and can sight her nowhere..The same sense of something like impending doom is gripping me...

Let’s be practical and objectively assess what are the fears what are plaguing me for now. Firstly, my biggest fear is that I have to leave this secure shell, this safe and easy way of life that I have been living since past few years. I don’t have iota of knowledge or vision of what I am gonna do next. One of the essential  component of this biggest fear  is that my friends with whom I practically lived with day and night have actually done their homework and have their career chart more or less clear in front of them( or less hazier than mine, being fair to them) whereas I seriously lagged behind somewhere.  But yeah, even I have had grand plans and have blown my trumpet loud in front of people that I will aspire for civil services exams. But truthfully I am miles away for being mentally prepared to get selected in an exam like this let alone academically. And now even I am starting to doubt that if I really want to go into IAS or not because at the root of it lies the second problem. The second problem which is bothering me most is marriage. Till now I have had no serious bilateral relationships (leaving aside few sexual flings...) and I am gay. Now when my mind is all on for guys only and I am not really bothered about girls I don’t know how I suppose that I can live a ‘normal’ life like a straight man( my friends esp.). In this whole middle class setup of India it’s impossible to even vent out my feelings to anyone, howsoever close he or she is, let alone act and live upon them. This is actually the mother root of all my life’s issues. I stopped thinking about the future ever since I finally accepted my sexuality after resisting and crying about it a lot during my late teenage life. Being absorbed in college life gave a perfect excuse subconsciously to avoid the inevitable questions of adulthood. Now as soon I get a job, start earning I am automatically placed into the great Indian marriage match makers (aunties, masis, dadis, buas) priority to-do list. They will come up with one match or another and won’t rest until I take the solemn vows. That’s what I hate about India. Why is it so important to get married?? Would heavens fall if one doesn’t marry until 30-35? Why do anxious relatives start thinking about your life and not mind their own? Can’t they think that there might be other things one may be interested in except marrying for fucking girls?

I want to do social service. In what form or for whom I don’t know. But I know this much that I want to and I will stand up for a cause of deprived or marginalized community. Someday I would also like to work for gay rights and change the perception in common people about gays.  Well, from what I have experienced right now there exists a varied opinion. The elderly population thinks that being gay is urban post liberalization generation thing whereas the young middle class guys look down upon it as its some inhumane dirt or something and it’s just a matter for a few sneers for them. What is that people don’t realize that being gay and being normal possible together. Gays also can love, and their feelings in love are no different than what others experience.  Will write a blog in detail about this issue.

So continuing with my problems, my third problem…my third problem...Well right now I can’t think of any…but a short while ago I had long queue in my mind...It seems sharing the biggest issue with you has lifted the weight of other issues making them irrelevant. And right now when dawn is breaking and I am going to sleep after an all nighter, there is sense of satisfaction in my heart and peace in my mind…

PEACE…with it all started today and now it ends with it…