Hookups and Baggage!

As my days in Bombay aka Aamchi Mumbai are numbered, I am spending my last few days of carefree student life lazing around in campus,  having unhealthy and expensive food, drinking a lot, smoking to my heart's (and in this case, lungs!) content. So basically, having fun time before I begin the work phase of my life.

Lately, I  have started to think about my non-existent sex life since last few months. After going through this break up thing which went on for me for so long, I think, my desires to consummate again signals that finally I am ready to begin my normal life, at least on surface. But with a full beard that threatens to go unruly if not taken care of soon coupled with no gyming/exercising since 6 months leading to considerable accumulation of adipose tissue in the mid segment (& for those who know the medical lingo, almost 18 weeks size ;) and accha khaasa sun burn, I look so totally hideous right now. But inspite of all this, on the verge of sounding of self-obsessed, I have still managed to gather a couple of advances.

This one guy who is a few years my senior, has had a liking for me for a long time now. He used to drop subtle hints earlier to which I so politely feigned ignorance. Fed up of my act, he actually let it out one fine day through his facebook update, albeit cryptic but clear enough for me to understand. But as I was too engrossed with my own things lately that I honestly didn't bother to respond appropriately. But of all the lessons that I have learnt in A's case, the most important is communication. Clear, straightforward, polite and firm. And I wish to do just that with him. He has invited me repeatedly invited me for dinner at his place and now I have run out of excuses, plus I also leave soon therefore I have agreed for that supper and I intent to convey in clear terms that I visualize him just as a friend and help him get over me and look for greener pastures as he is lucky enough to be in Mumbai for next few years.

Now this another guy, who is from Kerala (& therefore naturally hot!) who I met through a common friend and was preparing to join the college, got in touch with me for helping him to prepare for it. I being the nice courteous guy that I am (Incidentally, I had seen his picture on fb *wink*) I was more than happy to help him. Anyway, he came down for interview and was eager to meet me. With a caramel coloured skin and toned physique, I felt lust rising in me after ages of being in depression and moroseness. But eventually, nothing happened as we didn't get time to talk one on one as we were surrounded by a group of common friends. Anyway, after going back, we were casually chatting when the topic of sex came up and he sent me his pictures (in minimal and some in no clothing at all). And I was like O_O. He looked hot with clothes and even better without them. The conversation ended with a lot of X rated exchange of words and a promise of a carnal natured meeting the next time we meet. But now when I think of it, it's not going to happen anytime soon and moreover it was just a momentary thing but nevertheless, it provided me a good distraction from the ever running movie about A in the back of my mind, all day and night!

And finally about A. I miss him. Terribly. But as every tragic story goes, he doesn't. At least he has never tried to communicate in any way that he does. And therefore I can't let him know how I feel about him. He casually asked me in our last meeting that why haven't I forgotten everything till yet drew just a faint smile from me. And here's the answer to it which I could never give.

On the verge of sounding as cynical as that scarred old shayar Galib or sadda Neruda, love struck and heart broken to the core, I find my only refuge in anonymous corner of this virtual world. Here I feel I can express myself as uninhibitedly as I possibly can. Again and again. Free from the fear of being judged as the hopeless romantic that I am ;)

Also, in some deep corner of my frantically beating heart, I imagine that one day, when years have passed, I'll go through these words again and remember of how things were once and what all I went through. In short, it'll be testimony to my growing up :)
And maybe someday, A might accidentally stumble on this blog and discover the story on this side of the universe tucked away in my heart.

The one last conversation that I was looking forward to desperately with A happened a few weeks back and as usual on my hell bent insistence. Many things said, some questions answered, new reasons pointed, strange facts came up. All in all, those 4 hours were something we both deserved, although he later thanked me that we had dinner together otherwise, after going back, he would have had drunk a lot if not for the dinner. On being asked why, he said, "I get stressed a lot after meeting you'' I couldn't have laughed louder that night :p

As for a closure, a meeting, no matter how much importance you attach to the finality of it, can bring you that. Sab time ka khel hai. With passage of time, even the most violent seas calm down.

A's recent update on a social networking site was instrumental in beginning of me letting go of the idea of him.

Garaz ke kaat Diye Zindagi ke din Aey Dost

Woh teri yeed Mein ho ya tujhe Bhulaane mein..

(Neverthless my life is spent,
Either remembering or forgetting you)
~Firaq Gorakhpuri

As the broader picture of A's life began to emerge in front of me, I cannot bring myself to have any hard feelings for him anymore. In past few months, among other things, with the straight guy (we'll call him S) he has loved for so many years re-entering his life after a long hiatus, his enchantment with living is evident. S has had a major impact on his life for many years. Now I have been in love with a straight guy for a few years in medical school myself, now I come to think of it, could it even be called love? I mean I loved him (whatever I thought love was at that point of time!)  but there was never a reciprocation in equal measure as such. Sure, there was a solid friendship from his side but nothing more could have been expected from him. But I honestly don't what A's case with S is. That last night when we were drinking with friends, he mentioned in those few minutes we got alone that he has internalized so much pain that now he has become insensitive to any other feeling.

Though honestly I don't know. A takes a lot of time to understand his emotions and I believe that I made him face some of the most hidden emotions which were deeply buried within him and facing me is therefore uncomfortable for him.

But now, I have come back to Mumbai and now I am in process to wrap up things to begin afresh in a new place, far away from here. Henceforth, me & A will have no common place to bump into each other and he being him, after all the bitterness, would never initiate communication and I, after trying so many times, have kinda given up.

He never belonged to me and neither did he ever try to possess me. But both of us interpreted the thing that was, in entirely different ways. Love needs time to mature, like a good french wine and with both of us coming from such diverse backgrounds and living at different places, it would have required lot of efforts on both sides to make it work. Me riding on a wave of my first beautiful love, tried hard to somehow make things happen, but I guess he just foresaw that it wouldn't work or perhaps he didn't want to be in a relationship right now. Whatever the reason might be, it wasn't meant to be. At least that's what I have repeatedly told my mind, to calm it down (otherwise I would have gone insane!).

Now in retrospect I can say that sometimes we just have to leave things on time. If and when time is right and if it has to happen, it will. As my mother always say, "When nothing is in your control, leave everything on God. Tera bhaana mheeetha kar ke mananaa" (In Punjabi it means, O God, whatever your decision, I accept it as sweet/prasad).

I know that forgetting A is not something that is in my control and he would come up every time I would even think of love again in future, but one of the many last things that I wanted A to know, the following words summarize them best!

Peace!