An Indian gay unwinds..

I am afraid. At 3.50 am in the night I feel deserted. My episodic sanity crumbles in the face of lures...yet again. Each time I am pushed deeper into a sac filled with darkness, a pit getting deeper.. and images dance in front of my eyes. Under the lampshade, in the chilly dull yellow, where a wisp o f cold air pierces my naked chest. I see you roughing up with bodies. Tall lean and hairy ones. And hard. Your thin frame against anothe r. Of the watch, that's the only remnant of covers on skin. Thin fingers mingling into others. Of your eyes that stare like dark secrets, unknown. And silence afterwards. I saw just a bit, now I know. I want to see what others have witnessed. I want to be there when you make love to them. I want to see what you say when my mention comes, or do you even. I want to preserve the look of your eyes then. I want to be a part now. A distant attached part. P.S. Kiss I know those lips have been kissing other lips.  And not in the...

This in one interesting thing I am going to begin today. The series of -Letter to self over different periods of time. The need for them arises from the utterly liquidated life that I am living these days. With no job, no love, rapidly shrinking savings, and getting fattier and baldier with each passing day, I can barely think of any future. I mean the farthest I can think of is probably Sunday so that I can read the weekly horoscope in the paper. Yeah, that's the height of my uselessness. Having no intention of joining a new job (okay, I have applied for many half-halfheartedly but none of those fuckers called me for an interview!). So basically, as I would say in vernacular language -"Maa chudi hui hai" :p (For me, emotions are rarely conveyed in sophisticated terms.Having lived in hostels for so many years, every heartfelt emotion HAS to be expressed in a "gaali"). Therefore, sitting at home, doing nothing (Not exactly actually. I PRETEND to go to violin ...

(Was supposed to be published on 3rd January 2015) (About the picture - Taken en route to Nathu-la pass, Sikkim. Traveled alone, kind of soul searching trip! Made quite a few friends there, lovely weather :) Happy new year fellas!!! It's the year of 'The Sheep' (Chinese Astrology) & number 8 (Numerology). Hopefully this year brings happiness, contentment & good health for all of us!  It's been more than 6 months since my last serious post. Lazy ass that I am, I deserve a nice 'Danda' on my bum ( for those who don't know or haven't had the taste of it, it's nice beating  with a wooden stick, typically old-school types ;) But yeah, things have been really something lately. Okay lets begin with a quick recap, after the institutional education got over and I finally joined the 'Job-I-used-to-thing-I-was-made-for'. It came with reputable brand name, a fat pay cheque, and basically working for a social cause. So,...

Photograph - Andrea Gibson   (The Youtube link for the poem) 2014 is about to end. A lot has changed in past 6 months. There are lot of tales to recount. But right now, I just want to listen and absorb each emotion of this poem by Andrea Gibson. Every nerve in my body is on fire. With lust, love, jealousy & longing! I wish I was a photograph tucked into the corners of your wallet I wish I was a photograph you carried like a future in your back pocket I wish I was that face you show to strangers when they ask you where you come from I wish I was that someone that you come from every time you get there And when you get there I wish I was that someone who got phone calls And postcards saying Wish you were here I wish you were here Autumn is the hardest season The leaves are all falling And they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground And the trees are naked and lonely I keep trying to tell them New leaves will come around in the sp...

(About the picture - "Starry Night' by Vincent Van Gogh. One of his most celebrated paintings, a personal favourite. Another one being 'Boats at Saintes Maries'. Was my wall paper for a long long time) Recently I celebrated my birthday. I am officially on the wrong side on 20s now! Friends who were coincidentally here for official conference, had brought cake and we celebrated a little party at midnight! Thank you guys. Love you :) Also, the thing that had occupied every moment of my life, covertly or overtly for the past six months, the chapter of A finally was laid to rest. My inner demons at the end relented and vanquished my mind. And I seriously hope for the good. After an eternity, A sent a polite message hoping all was good with me and wished me happy birthday on my fb wall. And that was the moment when I decided. After months of being in doldrums, I finally made the decision that I should have had made long time back, Nonetheless, all's well that ends ...

[About the picture - It is the Fewa Lake in Pokhara, Nepal. Clicked it while taking a walk along the lakeside. If and when you go there, do sit at the shacks at the lakeside and let the breeze in :] (Disclaimer added on 15/May/14 - The following post was written on my touch phone when I was getting drunk! Thought of deleting it, but then, for whom should I delete. It's my blog and I am allowed to be as shallow as possible and crib my heart out when I am drunk :D ) Days and weeks have passed.. Sitting besides the lake..pleasant breeze blowing..good English music in the background..sipping my 3rd Tuborg on a lounge chair in a hill station of another country...I am looking at the convocation pictures of my colleagues which happened today,  which incidentally I should have been attending but unfortunately I could not because I am not graduating year. From being a serious contender in the race for the best student of the year award to the only one who didn't graduate, al...

[About the picture- It is of a beautiful beach almost 120 kms south of Kolkata. Me & A spent an amazing weekend there!] Dear A, Sitting at the airport, waiting for the flight to take me away from the megapolis that was home for past 2 years, my thoughts wander towards you. I am hungry therefore I order the only decent option available (which was ridiculously overpriced!) which turned out to be one of the most horrendous tasting sandwich I have ever had. As I attempt to swallow it, just in order to fill my stomach, my eyes wander towards the sauces available at the counter. And I think of you. Had you been in a similar situation, you would have chosen the best among them and would have made them into something that was not only edible but also inviting. You are famous for your culinary skills (though I never got a chance to have that meal that you promised you would make just for me!) and just listening/reading about the exotic dishes that you used to make, made my saliv...