Letter to Self - one year later!

This in one interesting thing I am going to begin today. The series of -Letter to self over different periods of time. The need for them arises from the utterly liquidated life that I am living these days. With no job, no love, rapidly shrinking savings, and getting fattier and baldier with each passing day, I can barely think of any future. I mean the farthest I can think of is probably Sunday so that I can read the weekly horoscope in the paper. Yeah, that's the height of my uselessness. Having no intention of joining a new job (okay, I have applied for many half-halfheartedly but none of those fuckers called me for an interview!). So basically, as I would say in vernacular language -"Maa chudi hui hai" :p (For me, emotions are rarely conveyed in sophisticated terms.Having lived in hostels for so many years, every heartfelt emotion HAS to be expressed in a "gaali").

Therefore, sitting at home, doing nothing (Not exactly actually. I PRETEND to go to violin classes. who the fuck am I kidding!). Eating all day and basically sleeping for 14 hours a day. After watching for 2 months their 'decorated' son wasting his life, finally my parents, who have otherwise been my strongest support system, have also started inserting questions related to job hunt casually in between inane conversations. And all I can probably envisage in a 6000 kms bike ride across the coast of India over 20 days to just live the life! Honestly I have no clue what the heck is going to happen.

So to bring some clarity in my thought process, I have thought to begin this series. Imagining even for one year ahead is kind of unimaginable, but still I'll try.




Dear boy,

Hope you are alive. And healthy. And all your body parts are functioning well without any serious (or minor!) damage.

I also hope this letter finds you in a stable juncture of life. Remember how exactly one year earlier you were riddled were such obscurity that peering through the darkness and looking beyond didn't come naturally to you. But the Almighty has mysterious ways and I am positive that you are much better placed than last year.
Hopefully you got the job soon. One that you really liked. In a big city. One year back, your were banging your head about what kind of job do you even want to join because you yourself didn't know. With your med school friends almost completing their degrees, I hope that you don't regret the idea of not continuing in medicine. Also I hope that the salary is decent enough for you to sustain your whimsically spending life style.

And that bring me to the other question.
I hope you have changed. Last year, you were feeling that you were on a cusp of change. A change that was long desired and was kind of imperative. The change of cutting the faff out of your being. The change of being truer to self. The change of shedding hypocrisy that had so inherently coalesced inside you for as long as you could remember. And the ultimate change of removing the fakeness from every aspect of life. Your thoughts, your actions, your words. Last year, during the time you were at home, you had met your old friends in Bombay. Esp C. You guys discussed in detail about how things had to change and that you could have lived this way only up till then.
I sincerely hope and pray that you are a disciplined human being now and your words and action do not differ as much as they used to. Even if you have tried but aren't completely there, even then it's okay, these things have built over years and it cannot vanish overnight.

And now about A. The one person you have so deeply loved that everything in life seems kind of partitioned into before meeting and after meeting him. Can I be audacious enough and assume that A dosen't exist for you anymore :). If that's true than something magical must have happened to you! But one year back you were still consumed by the idea of him. It was partly because of him that you left your well paying job, spoiled your health and came home. You had exploited every avenue of getting to know the future and everyone told you that you had no future with him. But one year back, you still nurtured silent hope of staying together in future. You remember you met him one year back after 8 months of no communication and how you guys talked for 7 hours straight, lighting a fire and getting to know the newness in each other sitting by the pyre. Of how his life had transformed. From being a demisexual he had for all practical purposes, become quite comfortable with casual sex. Do you also remember that night when you tried to initiate something in bed, it was rebuffed. Do you also recall that your impatience, made things worse and the next day within those rage filled 5 minutes it was decided that both of you will never get in touch again. When did you guys get in touch again? Or did you ever? How did the pain inside you ebb? or is it still there? I know that you have never loved a gay guy and that was your first. But I seriously hope that you resolved it really soon, this way or that. It had already been so long. You were afraid to let go of feelings for him because you never thought you'll find better love. But he had left long back. Really long back. I hope you are okay with everything and look back with gratitude.

And btw, I am inquisitive to know, is he dating someone? like for real? How is he? Better than me? :D
(No but seriously I hope you guys are in touch. He was a beautiful addition to your life. It would have had made me happy seeing you guys close as friends, given the fact that you have moved on completely and truthfully)

Now coming to the another main mudda. Please please please tell me you are not completely bald. You were losing hair at a tremendous rate one year before. And you were taking every treatment possible, consulting every form of healing. I sincerely pray that these treatments worked for you and your have a decent head full of hair :)

And yeah, I hope to see a decent physique by now. At least a flat stomach and well built arms,

Also,hopefully you have quit smoking on a regular basis. I had allowed for once in a while with drinks, and I assume your are sticking to the routine.

Also, I hope, mum, dad and grandparents are all healthy and Bhai got married in a grand ceremony in while I played violin and gave awesome dance performances :)

At this point, when I am writing this letter, a shiver runs down my spine to even imagine that I found someone whom I fell for. I imagine the guy running around with me at my Bhai's wedding helping me with everything and waking up next to him in the morning and sipping tea overlooking the air strip and whom I can introduce to my mum and dad as my boyfriend :)
.One part of me hopes that it's A, but my rational side knows better!

Anyway, that's pretty much hoping to do in one night.

Do write back and tell me how things unfolded. Reply will be eagerly awaited!

Love!