Life Lessons - Waiting-for-Bus-at-2 AM Edition
(Summers are here finally in Toronto. Yeyy!)
Last night was interesting. Btw, keeping aside the mental breakdown in December, breaking up with someone who I thought was the FINAL ONE, rushing back to India, choosing to cut-off from the world, being jobless since last 6 months, fucking around with hot randoms across India, turning 35 and entering my mid-life crisis era, beefing up at the gym and finally back to Toronto half-heartedly, yeah it has been going good 😅!
After back-to-back 2 episodes of RuPaul Drag Race All Stars 8 viewing party (3 people eating Tandoori Paneer and roti ain't a party tbh ;) at a friend's place in downtown, I decided to ditch Uber, save some money (haven't got much anyway and earnings are zilch) and travel by subway. I got down at Dupont subway at 1.45ish am and was wondering what should I do. Walking home would take 17-20 minutes. The other alternative was to wait for the infrequent TTC bus (only last 1 or 2 buses were scheduled for the night, but the fare sharing between bus & subway meant that the bus ride would be free). I was not inclined to walk this late at night, mainly due to safety concerns. Not that this is an unsafe neighborhood but I have watched too many true crime documentaries lately & this is not the usual route I take, especially never this late at night and I had no intentions to start experimenting at this hour. After checking that the next bus would arrive in 12-15 minutes, I decided to smoke a cigarette and stew in my thoughts. I was checking regularly and I could see the bus moving along on the scheduled route on Google Maps. I calmly finished my cigarette and was getting ready to board the bus, but to my disappointment, the the bus came & left according the Maps (not in real life :/). In my mind, I went on a tirade about whatever is up with Google & how their failure to innovate is making them lose the AI race to ChatGPT blah blah. Then I checked with TTC SMS system and it showed that next bus is after 20 minutes.
I decided to smoke another cigarette and, as usual, postponed my decision for later.
Finally the cigarette also got over in few minutes and now it was time to decide. The bus was still 15 minutes away and sunk cost fallacy came to my mind. I was like, okay I have already wasted 20-25 minutes standing here alone, another 15 minutes will not be a big thing. I started planning about how the bus will come soon, I'll reach home shortly, change into boxers and as per my daily ritual, sit outside in balcony smoking the last cigarette of the day and solve the Wordle of the day. Life has been hard in past few years, but I need to be patient, both for the bus to arrive and the life to get better. Things have come to me, sooner or later, and I'll be alright, eventually.
Finally, after much mindless fiddling on the phone and the ever-ongoing background chatter of my brain, I could see a bus approaching. I felt relieved & smiled to myself. See, I told you, things will be okay. They always do.
I boarded the bus & thanked the driver (for being the savior of the night & of my life 😂). I was the only one in the whole bus & I started to tell myself that though everyone around me have settled with partners/had children/got promoted to higher roles/bought a house etc, I'll also get to all those points in my life, even if I were the last one, just like the lonely soul in this bus. Amidst all these thoughts, I settled in a seat and looked forward to reaching home in a few minutes.
Now at this juncture, the night should have reached its logical conclusion and the story should be finished with a happy ending. However, God had different plans :/
After about 5 minutes of riding on those deserted roads, I didn't see the regular surroundings approaching. Admittedly, I wasn't well-versed with the area but as it moved closer to my home, I should have seen that gas station or that gym or that grocery store that I was sure comes on this route. Then the bus took a right turn & I was like WHAT??? My home is in the straight line from the subway station. Then I reasoned maybe they are taking a longer route or a detour as it's the last bus of the night. Still, I decided to check the map.
I was stunned to see that we have travelled a few Kms on the OPPOSITE DIRECTION and we were going to downtown AGAIN!! Before I could understand that what was exactly happening, the bus stopped at a signal. Now logically, I should have checked where the closest subway station or the city bikeshare stand is or where it was safe to get down, but me being me, I just randomly got down at the signal (that was also a bus stop).
Now to be clear, in normal circumstances, all of this is not a big deal at all. I could have walked home easily, or have rented a Toronto bikeshare and rode it home or even Ubered. Wouldn't have costed me much and I am not exactly hand-to-mouth (for now at least). But this whole situation had become a metaphor for my current situation in life and it deserved a proper theatrical ending, and not a casual cop out.
Now I was standing at a remote, random bus stop in a residential area I had never seen, where there weren't any cars either. Not the happy ending I thought I was ENTITLED to.
As soon I alighted the bus, the first thought in my mind was to light a cigarette as it'll 'help me think'. But alas, my last remaining one I had smoked earlier and rest were at home (in order to curb smoking I started this new thing where I carry max 2-3 ciggies when I go out. Let's see if this one works 😅).
Stranded here on this desolate road in the middle of the night with no nicotine to help me 'contemplate', the self-berating side of my mind went off - see? this is what will happen to me in life. When I take no effort in researching, weighing my options on what I want/how things work, I'll end up like this only. In middle of nowhere with nothing to hold on to. Whatever decision I have taken - ranging from which phone to buy to which job to do, from the most inane things to the decisions that may have far reaching consequences, everything has been on a whim. It's not the same as a gut-feeling or an intuition. Those are when you in touch with your inner self (I think!). Mine is more like randomly deciding on something when my mind stops working, after having delayed the decision as much as possible. And then whatever happens, I accept it as God's will. Till now, perhaps it was good karma of the past life that things turned out to be good but now it has run out and all I am left with it the bad karma of this life, and the ensuing results. This whole episode reminded of a quote by Lewis Carroll in 'Alice in Wonderland' that I had shared on Facebook years ago -
“Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where—' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
'—so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.
'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.”
ख़ैर, I snapped out of this mindfuck soup in my mind, it was around 2.30 am now. Google Maps showed that last bus was scheduled in another 15 minutes, thereafter, at 5.45 am in the morning. It was time to make another decision - to call for an Uber or wait for the bus. I decided to stick with my original thought process and see where the night takes me. The ordeal has become much more than a simple reaching-home-on-a-Friday-night situation and now I had to live with the consequences of my actions. While I was waiting for the bus, I started wondering over the mistakes I have made - in last 45 minutes and in life. Not studying hard enough in school life to get a higher rank in PMTs that would ensure I get into AIIMS/CMC/AFMC/etc and rather settled for a smaller medical college in my hometown. Deciding to quit clinical medicine and move towards public health. Joining UN and living in one of the remotest parts of the country. Quitting UN on a whim, too early in my career and deciding to go back to Mumbai. Taking the first job I got in Pharma industry. Fucking many guys bareback in the spur of the moment (thankfully my guilt led me take PEP within 72 hours every time), not bottoming ever, not being regular in gym in my 20s, not being able to give myself into redamancy when someone expressed their love for me - always hoping that a better option would come along, not planning long-term when it came to my career, NOT REALIZING THAT I STOOD ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE of Dupont subway bus stop, not reading where the bus was headed, thereby landing in this situation (in all fairness, both sides looked exactly the same).
Then again, my mind started singing its own song. The bhajan that is one of favorites lately - हमारे साथ श्री रघुनाथ तो किस बात की चिंता, शरण में रख दिया जब माथ तो किस बात की चिंता.
Will the Almighty save me again? Will he take my hand and guide me to a destination (whatever He feels is right for me?) Or this time, He has decided to teach a lesson by forcing me to abandon Him as a crutch and finally start taking charge of my life? And the more I delay doing that, I'll be stuck in the same situation?
Soon I saw the faint blue glimmer of the destination sign of the bus at a distance. A sigh of relief and silent prayer left my lips. Again, I was the only person in the bus. Reached my stop quickly, bought a A & W burger from the 24 Hrs outlet, and entered home.
The Wordle of the day was RAMEN. Got it in 3 attempts :)
Love!
ASK
P.S. Google Maps was not wrong the first time. The bus did come & leave. Going towards home. Just that I wasn't ready for it. At the correct bus stop :/
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