Delving into the roots of inaction

 (A dead tree, or as they call it 'snag', slowly rotting away while giving life to an entire wildlife ecosystem around it, found while sauntering around @Hampstead Health Trail, London, UK circa June 2019)

I have been postponing an important task that should have been completed last month. It pertains to my ongoing job hunt and logically speaking, it should be on top priority. However, every day I get up, I find some or the other excuse to avoid it. Let me smoke a cigarette first or lemme have a bath now or lemme go to this party or that friend gathering or I'll do with 'fresh mind' after the weekend yada yada yada. All said and done, I have found neither the 'right time' nor the 'best frame of mind' to sit on my laptop and work upon it yet. Coming to think of it, this procrastination has been a repeated pattern throughout my life and ironically writing this blog post is yet another excuse not to start upon it :/

I think it's high time to dissect this phenomenon and delve into the roots of it. 

1) The importance of the task - Usually I avoid the most important thing that I should be working on. Greater the importance, more I'll try to find any reason to avoid it. I'd rather indulge myself in other smaller tasks or bring forth some old chores that I have never bothered about and focus on that or even better, scroll YouTube or Twitter endlessly. A random video of 'Why Weimer Republic failed in 1930s' is way more interesting that working upon something I need to & benefit from. 

2) Toughness (perceived or otherwise) of the task - May it be Organic Chemistry in pre-med preparatory phase, or biochemistry in first year medicine or Pharmacology in the second year or an important work presentation that needs undivided attention. When I subconsciously have made up my mind that that this task is tough, more I recoil from acting upon it. So, instead of Biochemistry, I'll take up the Physiology book and start reading that in order to attenuate my guilt (at least reading something :p)

3) A task ab intio or a continuation task - Another factor that I have observed my behavior is the complexity of the task based on how much I know about it already. For e.g. I'd run away from making a completely fresh presentation on PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures) compared to lets say making/editing a presentation on types of generalized epilepsy. A new subject/area demands in-depth research to even have the confidence to start the process whereas the latter is just off the top of my head and doesn't demand investing much cerebral involvement. 

4) More science, more complication and more avoidance - I think the biggest reason behind all of this is I am not a science guy to begin with. This is a huge realization that has been dawning on me lately. Half of my life is almost over, whole of my education is in the field of medicine and finally I have the courage to face this fact about myself. The question now comes about what next? if not this, then what? Why I went into this field is altogether a different story for another day :/

And the only thing that works for me - DEADLINES. No other external factor or internal motivation makes me get the work done but the fear of looming deadlines. A sudden spur of enthusiasm engulfs me at the eleventh hour that propels me to come up with a framework & start action, all in one night. I cannot recount the number of all-nighters I have pulled, for studies, exams, work meetings & interviews. After all the avoiding, when I have no other option but to deliver the next day, I have pulled through. Whether good or bad, not sure, but still sailed through. 

As this task has no deadline per se, my procrastination continues :/

Mood these days -

दिन कुछ ऐसे गुज़ारता है कोई, 

जैसे एहसाँ उतारता है कोई 

Love!