An Indian gay unwinds..

   (The trek through Jakhama was tough but the night stay was absolutely worth it @ Dzukou Valley, Nagaland - circa February 2021) A while ago, one of the NGOs working in LGBT+ space organized a poetry writing contest. The theme of the competition was around sexuality, acceptance & pride. When one of my friends prodded me to send a submission, I was thinking what should I even write? My sexuality is just another facet of my existence. It doesn't define me per-se. However, on deeper contemplation, I realize the privileged position I am/have been in. I wasn't born in the era where being a homosexual was criminalized to an extent that it warranted a capital punishment or incarceration. It still is an offence punishable by death in some cultures and theocratic nations, especially some Middle-eastern & African Islamic countries. Nor I faced the 1980-90s era AIDS epidemic that saw a whole generation of gay men dropping dead & ostracized from society. In India, though dec...

  (A dead tree, or as they call it 'snag', slowly rotting away while giving life to an entire wildlife ecosystem around it, found while sauntering around @Hampstead Health Trail, London, UK circa June 2019) I have been postponing an important task that should have been completed last month. It pertains to my ongoing job hunt and logically speaking, it should be on top priority. However, every day I get up, I find some or the other excuse to avoid it. Let me smoke a cigarette first or lemme have a bath now or lemme go to this party or that friend gathering or I'll do with 'fresh mind' after the weekend yada yada yada. All said and done, I have found neither the 'right time' nor the 'best frame of mind' to sit on my laptop and work upon it yet. Coming to think of it, this procrastination has been a repeated pattern throughout my life and ironically writing this blog post is yet another excuse not to start upon it :/ I think it's high time to dissec...

  (A picture from Toronto Pride - June 2022) Finally Pride Weekend is here! For most of us queer people here, it is a kind of festival season in Toronto. Though I used to attend the Pride walks in Mumbai as well, the fervor here is absolutely different. People draw their plans way in advance, book the events at least a month or two before (otherwise everything is sold out and one will have stand in lines outside for hours, even then you aren't sure you'll gain entry or not 😅) & pick their outfits for each party & the main pride walk.  All in all, it's the equivalent of Gay Christmas (or Gay Diwali for us desi folks) 😀 That being said, I am celebrating pride very low key this time. Not going to any party, especially the desi ones that I personally love - to drink & dance to heart's content :) But I'll go for the Pride Walk for sure though on Sunday. I remember getting hammered at the last year's RANGEELA (South Asian LGBTQ+ event) during Pride and d...

  (The breathtaking view at the start of the spectacular Seven Sisters Cliff Walk at Seaford. It took us 7 hours to finally reach @ Eastbourne, UK - circa June 2019) 2 more job rejections from the companies I was much hopeful about. Within a span of 48 hours. The automated mails from Workday arrived at around 4ish in the morning. That means it is the first thing I see when I get up. And there goes the rest of my day :( Just a few years ago, I was in Mumbai, doing really well in my career. Earning quite a bit of money. Travelling around India & the world. Though that period had its own challenges, I had never faced this sense of worthlessness that I am  experiencing  now.  If I look at the cosmic alignment, the Taurus-Scorpio eclipse season began in November 2021 and the last one will be in the coming October 2023. As an astrology buff, I am well-aware of the effects eclipse season has  especially  if they are  occurring  in one's own sign. The...

(A picture from the Independence Day long weekend 2019 with a couple of close friends @Panchgani, Maharashtra) This weekend went by in a blur. Friday night was the ritualistic drag race viewing party that continued as games night when other people joined in later. By the time it was 3 am, we had abandoned the board games and moved to 'Never have I ever' ( a classic gay game especially when new boys are there). Talking about all the dirty things & drinking wine 😂. My ex-boyfriend was there too. Thankfully we parted ways in a cordial manner and there is nothing but friendly warmth between us. Though honestly, I think I was over him already long before I told him last year end before my trip to India. A tall, hot guy was also there. He is dating one of my crushes from a long time ago (whom I saw randomly last year at a Pride party and couldn't believe it was him). Anyway, thanks to the silly game, I found out that they are in an open relationship & the fact that la ...

  (The friendship pyramid based on depth of relationship in Arabic) By now you know how much I love words! Especially in Urdu & Hindi (and occasional Persian & Arabic). Saw this post on twitter a long time ago and just fell in love with the subtle nuances of it.  In Arabic, there are 12 levels of friendship. Most of our 'friends' are level 5 or below, and many of us don't have a single level 12 friend.  Here are the levels: 1. Zameel - someone you have a nodding acquaintance with 2. Jalees - someone you’re comfortable sitting with for a period of time 3. Sameer - you have good conversation with them …this is where things get serious 4. Nadeem - a drinking companion (just tea) that you might call when you’re free 5. Sahib - someone who’s concerned for your wellbeing … now we’re in the real ranks of friendship 6. Rafeeq - someone you can depend upon. You’d probably go on holiday with them 7. Sadeeq - a true friend, someone who doesn’t befriend you for an ult...

 

    (Song that takes me to a place I have never been but the emotions I have lived - Where do you go to my lovely by Peter Sarstedt 💓) I have been cheating. A LOT.  Not on any romantic liaison or a boyfriend or a husband. Not that lucky yet. I have been cheating on this blog :/ I proclaimed oh so ceremoniously on this blog that June is my month & I'll write one post a day . No matter what. But since the unintentional break last weekend, owing to few birthday parties & helping out my neighbor with her furniture, I lost the momentum. And since then, I religiously make a blank placeholder post daily and forget about it.  Thank God there are no readers on this blog to notice it 😂 Ditto similar as my gym routine. If I am unable/uninterested to go one day, I lose interest in the whole thing as if I have never seen a dumbbell in my life 😂. Then the Taurus in me will take days to guilt + mollycoddle + cajole myself so that I finally pack that bag & go to gym....

(What wouldn't I give to chill here right now after a day-long bike ride - View from my container @ Zostel, Panchgani) A prospective applicant for a course I did a few years ago in Canada called me today. She is a friend-of-friend kinds. As her interview is scheduled tomorrow, I can understand how anxious & overwhelmed she is feeling right now. I was in the same boat 3 years ago. I had pinned all of my hopes on this credible course and dreamt about how it'll catapult my career to a respectable position in this new country. To be fair, most of my batchmates did great and all are gainfully employed in fields of their choice. All, except me. I fucked up. BIG TIME. Maybe it's the Uranus transit in Taurus for last few years that brings all sorts of unpredictable & disruptive outcomes. Or may be I am due for some harsh lessons of life. Whatever it is, it would be supremely helpful if someone could hand me a manual on how to navigate life. It's too exhausting to naviga...

 ( A statue of Buddha in the backyard of a friend-of-a-friend's home I stayed in @Brooklyn, NY) It is just one of those days today. Unproductive, uninspired & depressing. How do I deal with it? Not go to the gym, eat a bunch of high-calorie crap, jerk off & smoke.  These lines by Mary Oliver provide some solace.  Today I’m flying low and I’m not saying a word I’m letting all the voodoos of ambition sleep. The world goes on as it must, the bees in the garden rumbling a little, the fish leaping, the gnats getting eaten. And so forth. But I’m taking the day off. Quiet as a feather. I hardly move though really I’m traveling a terrific distance. Stillness. One of the doors into the temple. Things will be better tomorrow. Hope is all we have :) Love!

             (The carefree vibe that is chilling on a shack - @Candolim, Goa) A sent a few WhatsApp messages last night. Enquiring about my health, job hunting, yada yada yada. At the end, he mentioned that he has fallen for someone new. Someone 'beautiful & special' but a big age-gap exists. Now A categorizes himself as polyamorous & polygamous and his past relationships couldn't work out because this very reason. Anyway, this time, he says he is going to listen to his partner (as opposed to his own thought process that keeps him happy & healthy) even though 'every cell in his body is struggling with it'. I sent him a polite message genuinely wishing him well & quoting one of my favourite poems by Faiz Ahmed Faiz Saab- तुम ख़ौफ़-ओ-ख़तर से दर-गुज़रो, जो होना है सो होना है, गर हँसना है तो हँसना है गर रोना है तो रोना है तुम अपनी करनी कर गुज़रो जो होगा देखा जाएगा :) Life IS about hit & trial eventually. If one way has failed repeated...

With the dreams of having a high-paying job as soon as I landed gone kaput, I am forced to live with roommates.  The first was a straight & handsome pathaan guy from Peshawar. Beautiful condo, occasional conversations & no major trouble. But he & his friends were homophobic AF. After a peaceful few months, moved to a condo closer to city center with a Delhi girl who was friend-of-a-friend types. It was a homely feel with her though she had a domineering aura. Disappointingly, she abandoned me while I was back home in India & brought this Mexican girl as replacement.  In the beginning this Mexican girl seemed okay. She has just separated from her husband & his kids and I am nothing but empathetic towards her. Her English is not that fluent (& my Spanish is abysmal) so we are restricted to polite hellos & small talk once in a while.  Yesterday she dropped a bomb saying that she is leaving by end of this month. Off to 'find herself' in Europe for ...

Having lived a nomadic existence throughout my life, owing to parents' repeated transfers, education at various places, job situation & personal travel, I don't remember when exactly I started to subconsciously associate sounds & smells to a particular moment in life. Maybe it was a song I was listening to at that point in time, then state of mind or influences from the movies/art I had seen, some songs and fragrances transport me to a precise moment of the past that is so clear as if it's happening to me right now.  Today I thought why don't I start listing some of them here on this blog to preserve that memory for a long time to come :) Today's post is dedicated to  Ye na thi humaari qismat  - Sung by Chitra Singh from Mirza Ghalib series by Gulzar, the song became THE SONG of my first romantic liaison, way back in 2013-15. Every time I listen to it, I am reminded of the acute pain that I felt for the very first time of heartache in my life. The agony of ...

         Being the astrology nerd that I am, I am excited (and a bit scared!) now that Jupiter has entered my sign after 12 years and will stay for one whole year. During its last transit 12 years ago, that whole year I went through a transformational shift in thought process & career, and by end of it I moved to Mumbai from my small town. And once I imbibed that Bombay boi spirit, I was never the same again :) Now it has come again. Another career shift on the anvil? I mean I have been jobless for 6 months now so I guess something should happen in that department. Some personal changes? I hope I find the motivation to quit my nicotine addiction & mindless scrolling through phone apps, get more disciplined, get fitter, get regular in meditation, blah blah blah.. the same old sob story of everyone in my generation :/  Some emotional changes? Start loving myself enough to eventually accept love? Some sexual changes? Will I find some hot brown, hairy m...

 (Summers are here finally in Toronto. Yeyy!) Last night was interesting. Btw, keeping aside the mental breakdown in December, breaking up with someone who I thought was the FINAL ONE, rushing back to India, choosing to cut-off from the world, being jobless since last 6 months, fucking around with hot randoms across India, turning 35 and entering my mid-life crisis era, beefing up at the gym and finally back to Toronto half-heartedly, yeah it has been going good 😅! After back-to-back 2 episodes of RuPaul Drag Race All Stars 8 viewing party (3 people eating Tandoori Paneer and roti ain't a party tbh ;) at a friend's place in downtown, I decided to ditch Uber, save some money (haven't got much anyway and earnings are zilch) and travel by subway. I got down at Dupont subway at 1.45ish am and was wondering what should I do. Walking home would take 17-20 minutes. The other alternative was to wait for the infrequent TTC bus (only last 1 or 2 buses were scheduled for the night, b...